The Wisdom of Henry #104

I met a man on the road. He said, “Will you stop following me!”

I said, “Uh…. ok.”

He said, “What’s your problem anyway?”

I said, “My toe itches.” Which is really deep, when you think about it.


This Wisdom of Henry brought to you by http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com, the new home of Henry the Adequate. You're not supposed to be coming here any more - you know that, right?

This is Not Real

This is not a blog post, because this is no longer the home of Henry the Adequate. To read more of Henry please go to http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com. Don't come back here. Really.

Oh, also please visit my new tenant.

The Wisdom of Henry

Thou shalt not read http://henrytheadequate.blogspot.com. Though shalt instead read http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com.

Moving Day

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Today I moved to a new place. A classy place, with nice polished floorboards, and a great view.

The adventure continues at weblog.henrytheadequate.com

...

Henry and the Loonerizer Hunt

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I am hot on the trail of an evil loonerizer ray weilding supervillain, and also searching for some chamomile tea, which has apparently been stolen by a couple of monkeys.

"Halt," I call commandingly to a suspicious looking thug. "Uh... sorry, officer..." I move on, determined to discover the identity of the nefarious fiend that has been terrorizing the area with such a devious and evil device.

"Halt," I call commandingly to a suspicious looking thug. "Uh... sorry." I suspect that the old lady is probably not a thug after all. Most thugs do not use walking frames.

But wait! What is that my superhuman senses have suddenly detected. Yes, it is the distinctive odor of chamomile tea, emanating from the old woman's shopping bag. "Ah, ha! I have you now, you shapeshifting monkey monster, you!"

"..." replies the evil simian creature, as though it is stunned into silence or something. Evil simian creatures can be excellent actors.

"And now I will wreak vengeful justice, right after I help you to cross the street."

"Oh, crap!" It seems the hideous monster has found its voice at last, no doubt due to the fear and trepidation that courses through it's tiny brain at the thought of my fearsome vengeance, "Not you again!" Something that feels exactly like a handbag with a brick in it crashes with great forcefulness into my head, causing only slightly major concussion, because I am a superhero and not easily concusserized.

The suddenly she is gone, as though she is an evil disappearing thing. Or as though I am heavily concussed and barely aware of what is going on around me.

Damn those evil disappearing things.

The Wisdom of Henry #96

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. Unless you're gay.

Also, thou shalt not make really obvious jokes that have been done a million times before... Oh, bugger.

Henry's Operating System FAQ

It has come to my attention that some moron is spreading lies and deceitful stuff about operating systems. There have even been rumours attributing this to myself. I, Henry the Adequate, superhero, cannot allow my good name to be sullied by such badness.

So, just to set the record straight, here is the definitive Operating System FAQ.

How can I protect my Windows computer from Viruses, spyware, adware, malware?
Take a large, evil looking axe. Apply liberally. Spread remains of computer over hot coals and bake for two days. Microwave the Windows CD for several hours.

How can I protect my Linux computer from Viruses, spyware, adware, malware?
Make sure there are no Windows computers withing a five mile radius. If there are, use the technique described above. A massive fire will also do the trick.

Is Linux ready for the desktop?
Linux is something called "software". Your desk is a solid, usually wooden, object. I recommend some kind of varnish.

Is Windows ready for the desktop?
You're just not getting this concept, are you. Perhaps if you had a superheroic brain...

Can Microsoft be trusted?
What is a micro-soft?

What about Trusted Computing?
You can trust me, I'm a superhero.

Which is better, vi or Emacs?
Boy, you really do need some help with computer stuff. vi is just Roman for 6. What that might have to do with some kind of electronic burger is beyond even my magnificent brain.

What is the best Linux news site?
www.google.com

What is the best Windows news site?
www.stainedglasswindows.com

Should I buy a Mac?
No. Buy some healthy food instead.

Which is the best Linux distribution?
I think the best way to get Linux is on a CD of some kind. Sure, there are other distribution methods, but I don't know - call me a traditionalist - there's just something about opening a huge box and finding that tiny silver sliver of plastic. Magnificent.

Which is the best version of Windows?
It doesn't matter. They all go equally well in the microwave.

Should I say GNU/Linux, or just Linux?
It's spelled "new", dummy.

Which BSD distribution is best?
I think you mean BSOD, and it is always a very bad thing.

Should I use KDE, or GNOME?
Gnomes are evil little creatures. If you are infested with them I recommend some kind of fire. I don't know what a KDE is, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Gnomes, or computers. Who wrote these questions anyway?

Tell me about The Hurd.
It is something that happens when you have been drinking too much.

The /home partition is getting full. How do I free up some space?
Toss out your mother in law.

Should I try VMS?
That's not really something you volunteer for. Some women, and their husbands, suffer through it every month and anyway, what does that have to do with operating systems?

What happened to those Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Um... I left them in my other jacket.

The Wisdom of Henry #95

Be careful what you say, because words have power and meaning beyond the ken of mortals such as yourself. Unless your name is Ken, obviously.

For example, one time I said, "Freeze, punk! This flamethrower has a hair trigger, and I've been drinking..." And then he just suddenly burts into flames for no discernible reason. See, the power of words.

Henry and the Loonerizer Victim

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

"Excuse me... Um... Are you ok?"


"Sure. Why do you ask?" I can't quite place it but there is just something about her that suggests some kind of strangeness. Or maybe it's just me.

"Um, no reason.... Say... You haven't just been struck by some kind of loonerizer ray, have you? Because I think there might be a bit of that going around..."


"A what? I don't think so. What would that look like? Anyway, who are you and why don't you just sod off and leave me alone! As you can see from my expression I am very angry right now."

"Yes, angry, um...."

"Identify yourself, moron, and tell me where I might purchase a large chocolate elephant. My eyes are wobbly, and only chocolate elephants can fix that. Also, some monkeys stole my chamomile tea, the nasty furry little critters."

"I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, and I will retrieve your chamomile tea, because that is what I do!" I strike a superheroic pose of tremendous proportions. No doubt she is suitably amazed and awed.

"Is this some kind of bust?"

"Yes," I reply, "It is very impressive, but now I must be leaving." There is superhero work to be done. Also I can hear the lawyers of Abrahams, Zucker, and Zucker sharpening their subpoenas in anticipation, almost as though I have stolen their copyrighted material or something.

Those bastards.

The Wisdom of Henry #94

God said, "Thou shalt not kill!!!!!!" Ok, so possibly he did not use quite that many exclamation points. The documentation is pretty well silent on the subject of punctuation.

"But Lord," complains some devout follower guy, "My neighbour says you are an obnoxious prick."

"Kill the bastard!" says God, after careful consideration, "Kill his family. Kill his ass. Oh, and bring some young boys so that my priests may party like it's 0099."

"You are indeed wise, and compassionate, oh Lord."