Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Wisdom of Henry #96

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. Unless you're gay.

Also, thou shalt not make really obvious jokes that have been done a million times before... Oh, bugger.

15 Comments:

Blogger Jaws said...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bar tender says, "Mate you have a steering wheel in your pants." Pirate says, "Aye its driven me nuts!."

New commandment, Thou shall not tell horrible jokes, I just couldn't resist.

11:26 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

lol

If we can't tell horrible jokes any more I may as well just close up shop right now.

6:34 am  
Anonymous T said...

Not to be confused with the 18 commandments of golf:

THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors putter.

THOU SHALT NOT pick up lost balls before they stop rolling.

THOU SHALT NOT hold up play while lying to your boss on a cell phone.

THOU SHALT NOT wager with those who carry a one-iron.

THOU SHALT NOT play "inside the leather" with a belly putter.

THOU SHALT NOT build thy house of handicap with sand bags.

THOU SHALT NOT worship St. Mulligan, except on the 1st tee.

THOU SHALT NOT ask thy competitors if they "inhale or exhale" during the backswing.

THOU SHALT NOT call in suspected rule violations while watching golf on TV.

THOU SHALT NOT play winter rules in July.

THOU SHALT NOT consider hackers playing in the group ahead to be "movable obstructions".

THOU SHALT NOT imitate a stunt driver in a golf cart.

THOU SHALL yell "Fore!" before the body hits the ground.

THOU SHALL pray for the patience and understanding of all golf "widows", especially thine!

THOU SHALL restrict profanity on the course to three putting or worse.

THOU SHALL be tolerant to those morons with a higher handicap giving you unsolicited swing advice.

THOU SHALL throw thy clubs in non-lethal directions.

THOU SHALL spend less time looking for lost balls. These "offerings" to the Gods of Golf will be returned to you in like-new condition on the first tee of Pearly Gates CC.

7:06 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lol Did you make that up. Because I like to know who I'm stealing from.

7:58 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Sorry, not "stealing from". I mean "quoting".

7:58 am  
Anonymous T said...

Unfortunately I'm not that creative, just a recogniser of good creativity :)
I myself "quoted" this from Par..."Par is a golf nut who is gifted with "Golf Sight". As the result of a freak golfing accident, PAR can analyze golfers' personalities relating to their astrological signs, and even claims to predict their futures with his Fore!Casts."

Its a must visit if you're into golf: pargazer.com.

-T

8:18 am  
Blogger Ben said...

I've seen Caddyshack. Does that count?

9:20 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

"Thou shalt not take the covers off someone's else wife." something like that
sorry

6:40 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

I'll try to remember that one.

7:30 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Have you heard about a couple's three sexual stages?
Ist stage is when they're just married and it's called the "Everywhere Sex: they have sex everywhere: the floor, the table, chandelier...
the second stage is after ten years and it's called the bedroom sex, speaks for itself...
the third stage, after twenty years, is called the Hall sex, that's where the couple meet across the hall, and say 'Fuck You'

7:58 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

I like really subtle jokes like that one.

10:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got married once, but it was just a bad habit,
Bare Nun

11:21 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone posted a bare photo of me, one of your contributor, I believe...what a joke!
Bare Nun

11:23 pm  
Anonymous t said...

Caddyshack counts only if you can answer this trivia:

What is the name the song that Al plays from his golf bag?

heh..

"I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think."

4:52 am  
Blogger Ben said...

"Don't Marry Her" - The Beautiful South.

Yes I know it's wrong, but that's such a charming little ditty.

6:46 am  

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