Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Henry's Operating System FAQ

It has come to my attention that some moron is spreading lies and deceitful stuff about operating systems. There have even been rumours attributing this to myself. I, Henry the Adequate, superhero, cannot allow my good name to be sullied by such badness.

So, just to set the record straight, here is the definitive Operating System FAQ.

How can I protect my Windows computer from Viruses, spyware, adware, malware?
Take a large, evil looking axe. Apply liberally. Spread remains of computer over hot coals and bake for two days. Microwave the Windows CD for several hours.

How can I protect my Linux computer from Viruses, spyware, adware, malware?
Make sure there are no Windows computers withing a five mile radius. If there are, use the technique described above. A massive fire will also do the trick.

Is Linux ready for the desktop?
Linux is something called "software". Your desk is a solid, usually wooden, object. I recommend some kind of varnish.

Is Windows ready for the desktop?
You're just not getting this concept, are you. Perhaps if you had a superheroic brain...

Can Microsoft be trusted?
What is a micro-soft?

What about Trusted Computing?
You can trust me, I'm a superhero.

Which is better, vi or Emacs?
Boy, you really do need some help with computer stuff. vi is just Roman for 6. What that might have to do with some kind of electronic burger is beyond even my magnificent brain.

What is the best Linux news site?
www.google.com

What is the best Windows news site?
www.stainedglasswindows.com

Should I buy a Mac?
No. Buy some healthy food instead.

Which is the best Linux distribution?
I think the best way to get Linux is on a CD of some kind. Sure, there are other distribution methods, but I don't know - call me a traditionalist - there's just something about opening a huge box and finding that tiny silver sliver of plastic. Magnificent.

Which is the best version of Windows?
It doesn't matter. They all go equally well in the microwave.

Should I say GNU/Linux, or just Linux?
It's spelled "new", dummy.

Which BSD distribution is best?
I think you mean BSOD, and it is always a very bad thing.

Should I use KDE, or GNOME?
Gnomes are evil little creatures. If you are infested with them I recommend some kind of fire. I don't know what a KDE is, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Gnomes, or computers. Who wrote these questions anyway?

Tell me about The Hurd.
It is something that happens when you have been drinking too much.

The /home partition is getting full. How do I free up some space?
Toss out your mother in law.

Should I try VMS?
That's not really something you volunteer for. Some women, and their husbands, suffer through it every month and anyway, what does that have to do with operating systems?

What happened to those Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Um... I left them in my other jacket.

19 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

LOL
I'm salivating (thinking of the translation of this mega-wtf terms)

Ps I feel like a pimp, check my photo blog...You see, that's why I need work!

10:52 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Nice shades.

11:04 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

:)

30 septembre 2005

Henri le salaud

"Je sais ce que vous croyez. A t'il tiré cinq ou six fois? Ce fut une tel embarras, que je ne me rappelle plus trop. Mais en tenant compte que le fusil est un Magnum
(Pronounced MAGNUN - 'cause it's French) .44 et que ce fusil est un des plus puissants et pourrait causer une explosion dans votre tête, il faut se demander, suis-je chanceux? 'Eh bien, le croyez-vous, voyoux?

En ce moment j'ai une balle logée sur mon épine dorsale et les médecins m'annonce qu'il est possible que je ne puisse plus jamais marcher. Apparemment, il se croyait chanceux!

--

Un retour en arrière pour Henri.

Mon nom est Henri l'adéquat et je suis un super héro.
Quand j'étais au secondaire, je voulais faire du sport, mais je ne pouvais pas à cause de mes pouvoirs supérieurs. à un moment donné, je suis devenu tellement frustré que j'ai botté la football aussi fort que je pouvais et elle s'est envolée vers l'horizon, à une distance d'au moins - presque 20 mètres, ok, 10. Heureusement, personne n'a vu mon exploit!!!

11:39 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mon dieu, il est très compétent ce super héro, j'aime bien la puissance, brrrrrrr

Gisèle

2:19 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:21 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh la la, desolee, j'ai laisse un message un peu trop cochon, j'ai du le retirer,

Marie Catherine
nbMon epoux est tres jaloux, il pourrait vous tuer, donc svp ignorer l'autre message cochon.

2:47 am  
Blogger Sarah said...

lol henry.

conseil tellement très drôle et bon.

je vraiment ne parle pas français même après l'apprendre à l'école pendant cinq années.

mais c'est pourquoi nous avons une chose de traducteur sur l'ordinateur !

10:21 am  
Blogger Sarah said...

lorraine... ha ha ;)

10:23 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that moron can answer better :)
lol

12:38 pm  
Anonymous Kagato said...

I don't know what a KDE is, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Gnomes, or computers.

A KDE is a Dalek.
It stands for
KILL! DESTROY! EX-TER-MI-NATE!
Much more dangerous than Gnomes, but way cooler.

1:43 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

Nah, I'm just all about the porn.

2:56 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

mmm what I feared, is happening, where are the regulars? you're only getting dirty comments from French Women and such. That won't do, you've even been slightly threatened. I might have to selflessly bow out, they may get sidetracked and missed the brilliance of your present post. Which was a DANDY...
have no fear I will continue to sell you.

Ok here are the translations of the dirty French Women:
1) From Gisèle: My, that hero is very competent, I like power, grrrrrr
2) Comment deleted (assumingly too dirty)
3) Yes too dirty and slightly threatening.
From Marie Catherine:
Oh la la-- I mean 'oh my. I'm sorry, I left a comment a little too dirty, I had to remove it.
PS My husband is very jealous, he could kill you (this is the threatening part) so please ignore my dirty message.

Hey Sarah, well done (brilliant use of the internet translation ;) Advice so very funny and good.
I really don't talk French even after learning it in school for 5 years. But that's why we a translation thingy on the computer,

Sarah laughed at me, and someone called me a moron, or called you a moron, I'm not sure.

Won't do, this should be about Henry. Not some french thingys...humm how about I'm So Damn Good, French version, I like!
You?

3:04 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

oh look Isis showed up, she wasn't there when I started, which proves my point.

3:07 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

and...what's malware?

4:12 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Kagato:
Wish I'd thought of that. Hey, look, a shiny thing!! **Quickly steals Kagato's line while back is turned**

isis:
Well said. Couldn't agree more.

lorraine:
Yes, the French I Am So Damn Good sounds easier, mostly because of the lack any real content.

"And what's Malware" Cowboy stuff. So does Zoe, and those other guys.

4:46 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Zoe does cowboys? catchy, Isis might like it!

9:43 pm  
Blogger Sarah said...

lorraine: laughing WITH you :)
laughing AT the antics of henry the adequate!

6:39 pm  
Anonymous Christian Jensen said...

Argh!

I posted a story about the FAQ, but linked to some other guy's blog. I mistook him for you, Henry - sorry. Don't know how that happened; I stopped drinking a couple of hours ago.

Et je ne parle pas le francais, mais voule-vous coucher avec moi?

5:28 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lorraine:
Yes, possibly.

christian:
All is forgiven :) Thanks for the link.

PS Lorraine - That www.debian-news.net guy just used french at me. Help!!

6:52 am  

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