Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Henry Incensed - Alternative Ending

..."Ha!" As though the evil fiend does not recognize me. Such foolishness, to think that she can fool Henry the Adequate, superhero. "I am Henry the Adequate, superhero!"

"Riiiight," she says, with a note of slightly extreme skepticism in her voice, "And I am Xena, Warrior of Incense!"

Finally, a worthy adversary. "I will crush you Xena, Warrior of Incense, and then I will find your masters, the Mystickal Incense Lords, and put and end to their evil plans for world domination!"

Xena, Warrior of Incense, executes one of those acrobatic tumbling jumping thingys for which she is no doubt famous. For some reason I stand and watch her like a stunned fish of some kind, even though I already have my flamethrower pointed in her general direction and it is apparent to even the simplest of morons that she will land directly in the path of any raging torrent of flame I might deem it prudent to disgourge.

Nevertheless she lands safely, and before I choose to react I do find myself enveloped in a cloud of strange smelling vapor that somehow manages to send me into a state of extreme relaxation and pleasant feeling-good-edness.

"Hey, babe, how about a lap dance? This fighting stuff is soooo nineties." I am feeling muchly blissed out right about now.


Now I remember her. This is indeed the almost exact same evil villainess as she who sold me the weird sticks with the secret message encoded in their molecular structure. Now doubt that was merely a clever plot designed to get me in this exact position. The exact position in which I am currently located seems to be right in the middle of some kind of groovy happiness cloud from which it seems there is no escape.

But no. I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, and there is not a cloud of vapor invented that can hold me for long! "Ha!" I exclaim cleverly, "There is not a cloud of vapor invented that can hold me for long!"

I prove this by falling heavily, jarring my elbow and accidentally discharging one of my rocket launchers in a direction generally referred to as "up". An instant later debris is raining down into the new cloud of acrid, foul smelling rocket exhaust which has for some reason chosen this moment to surround me. But I do not succumb to this new evil plot to render me blind and inadequate. These Mystical Incense Lords are so transparent in their attempts on my life that I laugh in their general direction. "Ha ha!" I laugh in the general direction of where I suspect Xena, Warrior of Incense, might currently be.

Then I notice that it is raining in this warehouse, possibly due to the massive hole that appears to have suddenly appeared in the ceiling for no readily apparent reason. The breeze, and the rain, work to rapidly dissipate the cloud that has surrounded me, which was my plan all along. "Now," I announce to the Xena person, "prepare for your inevitable destruction, fiend!". But she is gone.

Excellent. Another mystery solved. Another foe vanquished. I go home and watch some Xena on the TV. For some reason it seems vaguely familiar.


Blogger Lorraine said...

'I might deem it prudent to disgourge' even in the middle of a battle? You are so damn good!

7:45 pm  
Blogger carouselle10 said...

Well let's hope she's gone for good. The stupid bitch doesn't even know how to spell her own name!

6:45 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Henry is superheroically good.

Ouch claws.

8:12 am  

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