Thursday, March 16, 2006

Henry and Miss Ann of the Sith

...I fall to the ground as though driven there by a large thing that is very heavy and has received a significant amount of assistance from gravity. As I slip into unconsciousness I feel a roaring rumbling vibration, as though my rocket lauchers have been accidently triggered somehow, and notice a massive explosion where the evil mind control mechanoid used to be, as though my rocket launchers have been accidentally triggered, somehow.

After some time there is awareness, slowly returning, and a presence.

"Fear not, grasshopper, for I will instruct you in the ways of the dark side."

"The dark side of what?" I ask, a slight hint of panic marring the strange serenity that envelops me. I hunt about for the disembodied voice, but I am blind.

"Whatever. Shut the fuck up and come here." I feel myself floating gracefully, then I feel myself stumbling and falling, gracefully smashing my face into something solid. "Open your eyes, for fuck's sake."

Oh, yeah. Suddenly I can see. We are at the scene of my recent battle - myself and a female person who I am not going to describe to you now on account of not being paid enough to write this crap. But you can go and see her here. Anyway, there is no time to lose, so, back to the real world...

It appears she has been speaking. "So," I exclaim, as I glance about at the largish crater strewn with robot parts, "Once more I have triumphed!"

"You were fucking lucky," she agrees, naturally, for I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, "But I can teach you all you need to defeat the dreaded mind-ray when next they attack. I can instruct you in the dark side!"

"I don't know..." I protest, because that doesn't sound very superheroic to me.

"Shut the fuck up, grasshopper, you fuckbag."

"Uh.... ok."

"No no no, now you call me a slut and tell me to piss off." She seems somehow exasperated, as though I am not getting something or other that I apparently should be getting.

"I can't say that!"

"Do you want to learn the dark side, or what?"

"No, not really."

"Well it's your fucking funeral, grasshopper, you moron." And then she is gone, suddenly, like some kind of disappearing magic thingy, and I am left wondering about the nature of reality, and the nature of humanity, and about the location of the nearest pizza joint.

7 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

Did she beat henry while on all four? Grasshopper needs a little push in the adequate section!

2:30 am  
Anonymous Miss Ann Thrope said...

If he's fucking get with the fucking program, I wouldn't have had to bitchslap him.

(I like the slut part. That was quick thinking!)

6:54 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lorraine:
The Guru's guild would not allow it, however it is strongly encouraged by the BMA (Blogging Mentor's Association.), of which she is also a member.

I am sore in so many places...

Miss Ann:
I think so quickly that most of the time I'm finished before I even begin. Sometimes I wonder if I have thought anything at all.

8:50 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

a hot bath is good for all your sores, grasshopper the adequate,

nurse feelgood

1:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ben, you're getting in over your head here, so remember: Pull the blanket up!

11:01 am  
Anonymous sailorX said...

oops, damned anonymousketeer identity by error, whereas sailorX is so much better, and the police should accept it.

11:04 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lorraine:
Getting drunk works better. Or so I'm told.

sailorx:
Thanks for the advice. Also, if the police accept "Henry the Adequate", then I'm guessing they won't have any problems with sailorx.

11:11 am  

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