Friday, February 03, 2006

Henry the Investigator

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I am meeting with an informant. The Seediest Bar in Seedsville is particularly busy at the moment, since it is "Bring your own stripper" night, which apparently is rampantly popular with a particular class of lowlife.

"What do you know?" I enquire, while handing over fifty cents in change. Damn those informants have gotten expensive.

"Nothing," remarks the scumbag mobster as though I have just handed him a slime-encrusted hamster. "Hey!" remarks the scumbag mobster, because it seems he may have heard me dictating these notes.

"Ok, ok." I put the hamster back in its bag and give him some more cash.

"I am thirsty." I buy him a drink. "My lap is cold." I give him a lap dance, which is really embarassing because I didn't wear my gold sequins tonight. He also seems embarassed for some reason, and I notice that several large tattooed persons are regarding us with open hostility. Perhaps they do not like superheros. Still he is not talking. I wonder if he needs another lap dance. "Oh, no no," he protests protestingly, "I'll talk."

"Excellent!" It is fortunate that I am endowed with highly advanced powers of persuasion.

He leans in close, eyes squinting furtively about before continuing. "The truth is out there," he mutters significantly and with emotion, as though he has just uttered something deep and meaningful and extremely valuable.

"What? Where?" Using my ultra-scanning xray vision I quickly examine the bar, the upstairs, and the street outside, but fail to find the truth in any of those places. Perhaps the truth is hiding. Perhaps the truth also needs a lap dance.

I stand, eyeball the bar for a moment using my heroic powers of posing heroically, and announce to all of the perverts and drunks, "I must go now!" But wait. I turn back to the nasty smelling informant. "One more thing..."

"What?" he responds sullenly, as though I have just insulted him in some way.

"Are you sure you won't take the hamster?"

7 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

Bare nun, you are the funniest ;)

10:34 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

I've been to Seediest Bar. It rocks. Bring your own Stripper night? Holy shit Ben!

Come on up to the mid west, I'll take you and the wifey stripper shopping. We've got plenty of them here...heheh.

No really, I'm serious. I am the Stripper Hunting Queen!

2:01 am  
Anonymous Brenza said...

I notice you post often at 21:01.. Is that some significant time?

3:27 am  
Anonymous Brenza said...

Damn those typos.. I meant 12:01..

3:28 am  
Blogger carouselle10 said...

Henry has rocked my world as usual. I feel so safe knowing he's looking out for me. I can sleep again at night, in the late morning and sometimes even the evening, if I don't have to work. Thanks, man!

6:40 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lorraine: Who is this bare nun and where can I find her?

Isis:
Hmmm, stripper shopping with the wife. How can I possibly refuse.

Brenza:
I generally post the next day's story before going to bed, which is usually about 11 or 11:30, so I just adjust the time of the post a little.

Carouselle:
That's what superheros are for :)

6:57 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

the bare nun left a message...it was a bit dirty...where did it go?

1:29 am  

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