Sunday, February 12, 2006

Henry, the Cat Whisperer

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero. A new kind a superhero. A gentler, more caring superhero.

Because, well apparently there might have been one or two complaints and polite requests for ceasing and desisting from the police, and the mayor. Also a couple of civil rights groups, the RSPCA, the fire department, somebody called Pauline, and my mum.

So, I patrol the streets, politely and with much consideration for the needs and feelings of pedestrians and passing motorists. I spot a young lady in need of servicing - I mean, assistance. "What seems to be the problem?" I enquire, using all my amazing powers of politeness.

"My cat," she replies, indicating the aforementioned feline, which appears to be stuck in an about to be mentioned tree, "She's stuck in the tree."

"Leave it to me." I am preparing to turn the tree into a blazing inferno, which is the absolute best way to get cats down from trees, when it occurs to me that this may in fact violate several restraining orders and result in the immediate suspension of my superhero licence. Of course I don't have a licence, but the less said about that the better.

I try calling the cat. I try coaxing it down with some cat food - well a bit of kebab I found in my pocket. I don't remember having kebabs. The meat smells a bit funny, but that is probably just the special sauce. Still the animal does not budge.

I climb into the tree, and inch along the branch toward the cat. It moves a little further out, then leaps to a higher branch. Bugger. I do follow. Soon I am getting closer, and begin to use my magnificent powers of animal hypnosis. The cat stares at me, mesmerized, so that I am able to approach even closer. Then I am within only a few inches of arm's length. This is close enough. I begin to use my supreme powers of speaking with the animals, for I am Henry the Adequate, Cat Whisperer!

My exceptional plan is working. The cat's eyes narrow slightly, and it begins to purr. Excellent. I relax slightly, and whisper again, projecting the idea of a slow descent into the animal's tiny mind. Suddenly I have four sets of claws deep in the flesh of my upper arm and shoulder and those needle-sharp cat teeth piercing my right ear like a row of really sharp teeth. Perhaps it did not like the "tiny mind" bit.

The cat's fall is broken by a lower branch. Mine is broken by the sidewalk. Fortunately it is one of those nice soft concrete sidewalks. But now I am slightly angry. A beautiful tongue of raging flame roars forth and engulf's the tree such that it instantly erupts into a raging fireball.

Then I notice that the young lady is fussing tearfully over a red furry patch of sticky stuff on the pavement. Perhaps my landing was cushioned by something other than concrete after all. "Yes, well, I... am, um, Ted the Competent, and I will be going now."

3 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

ahhh I'm touched, but you gotta be who Henry's gotta be and that's a 10 :)
Cat scratch, love it!

12:24 am  
Blogger carouselle10 said...

Well cats can be dangerous. Especially when they roam in packs, which is no doubt what this miscreant was planning to do. Thanks again for saving us from untold kitten attacks, Henry.
I just hope Henry doesn't get cat scratch fever!

1:40 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lorraine:
Thanks for the 10. I was rather hoping for a 01010, but 2 will do, I guess.

carouselle:
Yes, especially that webiste breed. They are particularly dangerous.

7:12 am  

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