Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Danger, Henry the Adequate, Danger

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

A voice sounds from my right, full of urgency and almost-panic. "Freeze! Don't move a muscle!" Something must be desperately wrong. Perhaps I have stepped on a land mine, or some chewing gum. Whatever it is I had better deal with it quickly, since I really need to get home, right now. So, without moving a single powerful and bulging muscle, I use my highly tuned senses of sight and sound and smell to cast about like a dangerous predator casting about for a scent of its prey, or a statue of a dangerous predator casting about for its prey, for my powers of stillness are unmatched in all of superherodom.

I smell donuts, humanity, exhaust fumes, and fear. I see traffic, and pedestrians. Some of the people pause and stare as though waiting for something to happen. There is movement from the direction of the voice, but I cannot determine sufficient detail without turning my head, and I dare not do that. I hear breathing, traffic, muttered conversations, and then something else.

There is a click. Bugger. Is the mine about to explode? Should I use my incredible leaping powes to dive for cover? Is it too late? Will my brief yet heroic life end here and now, a mere cosmic instant before the end of the universe itself? "Thanks, that's great," says the voice.

"What?"

"Thanks. You can stop freezing now."

"Oh crap," I explain by way of response, while heading bravely for home as though I might soon explode in some way that is probably best left unsaid. Damn Canadian photographers.

12 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

I laughed and I clicked then I froze like a Canadian lunatic!
then I fell off my chair...got me!
LOL

12:01 am  
Blogger SquareGirl said...

Henry looks exactly as I imagined he would

1:12 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

yeah, all those powerful and bulging muscles ;)

2:06 am  
Blogger Dave MacIntyre said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:11 am  
Blogger Dave MacIntyre said...

Note to self...when travelling in the land down-under, chewing gum may detonate when trod upon.

My last post came out as complete crap, so it was flushed. Sry!

4:30 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Lorraine:
Lunatic is such a harsh word. Maybe you should go with "sanity challenged", or "demarbleized", which is one I just made up.

squaregirl:
I hope you're not terribly disappointed.

d:
Yes, and watch out for those boxing kangaroos roaming down main street looking to pick a fight - they are particularly fond of beating up tourists.

7:02 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I love demarbleized. You've heard it here first on henry the Adequate.

"I just feel soooo demarbleized..."
Works!!!

10:37 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Naturally I had myself permanently demarbleized before starting this thing. It's easier than you think. Get married. Have children. Now where did I put those marbles?

9:39 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I did that once, and had a child, and that said child is the only reason I didn't beat myself over the head all the while muttering stupip, stupid, over and over again!
and now I realize how deprived I was not knowing how demarbleized I was. Cheers! Love the word :)

10:58 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Of course sanity is entirely relative, and I could make some predictable joke here about relatives and sanity, but I won't. Sorry.

Actually what you experienced was a very rare and beneficial condition known as "reverse demarbleization" Lucky you.

7:01 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

and to think I could have told the hub at the time "I want a reverse demarbleization"
sweeet

8:34 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Yes, but don't tell, or everybody will want one.

9:46 pm  

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