Thursday, January 26, 2006

Henry and the Pollutionist

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

"Halt!" I challenge that evil overloard of crime, The Pollutionist, "I have a flamethrower and a coffee headache. Do not mess with me!"

The Monstrous supervillain spins to face me and starts blazing away with his semi-automatic rifle, but I am too fast for him. Using my superhuman speed and superhuman powers of anticipation I am already someplace else. Actually I am already in the sewer. Damn manhole cover thieves.

"Who said that? Show yourself!" demands the demonic fiend, as though he really wants me to show myself. But I am too clever for such a simplistic ploy.

"I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, and I am right here, in the sewer." Oops. But it is all part of the brilliant plan I am about to concoct. Except there is no time for that. A hail of gunfire errupts from the manhole above, only narrowly missing as I dive for safety behind some dung. This does not offer as much cover as I might have hoped, so I keep dodging and weaving, using my superhuman powers of speed to execute the excellent plan I am currently inventing. And it will work too, because it is such a good one.

Then there is a pause as though he is reloading. Using my superhuman powes of leaping I agilely leap through the manhole, sail gracefully above the gunman's head, and land cat-like on my feet behind him. Then, also catlike, I clean myself for a moment as he spins desperately to face me while shoving a new clip into his weapon.

A rapid step brings me within range and I strike at the gun before he is able to bring it to bear, sending the thing sailing away from his grasp. "Now, evil crime-lord," I threaten, brandishing my flamethrower in his face, "Tell me how to counter your evil powers of pollution."

I must stop threatening criminal types with my flamethrower. Either that, or get the hair-trigger replaced with something slightly less sensitive. As his body collapses to a pile of smouldering ash I notice a bag nearby, which turns out to contain a large quantity of cash - no doubt left for me by some group of grateful environmentalists as a reward for bringing The Pollutionist to justice at last.

"You're welcome!" I call to my anonymous benefactors, just in case they're still nearby, then head for home while counting the cash, and thinking that maybe I need to buy a car - something really heroic. And a new TV. Possibly a Playstation. And if I buy the rhyme lord a watch, or an ice cream cone, then perhaps he will forget that I may have inadvertently destroyed his time travel device.

Yes, that sounds like a plan.

7 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

I can't handle coffee headaches, I can't live without coffee, but I'm broke. You can pay me for Henry's resume although it's free.
Henry has money now. Surely that will not affect his wanting to save the world...
If it does I'll contact Ms. Bees Knees and ask her to burn the cash, right, no, YOU burn things. She bring things to their knees, performs and then kills mmm She'll have to use some tortuous torture on Henry after all!

12:36 am  
Blogger SquareGirl said...

Great planning. I've heard that Tivo's and ipod's are quite heroic as well. Henry, if you ever retire from the superhero business, you should defintely make plans for a living.

7:23 am  
Blogger Ben said...

lorraine:
Henry has fictional money. I don't know many stores that will accept it, unless you count credit cards as fictional money, which is what they are, but Henry's money is much more fictional than that. Henry will never rest until the universe is free of evil, or until the pizza is ready.

squaregirl:
Henry will never retire until the universe is free of evil, or until the pizza is ready.

8:23 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I like extra cheese on mine.

4:47 pm  
Anonymous T said...

Henry needs a sooped up Harley, I'd lend him mine but its in the shop under a safety recall now.

2:41 am  
Anonymous Brenza said...

Those manhole cover thieves are real jerks eh..

5:43 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Lorraine:
Hmmmm cheese.

t:
Henry is not concerned with safety. Henry is a superhero.

Brenza:
Yes, although it's funny how things work out sometimes. Or it was meant to be funny - I'm still working on that part.

7:44 am  

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