Monday, October 31, 2005

Henry the Stalker

[This post refers to Henry in Research Mode]
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I stalk my prey. I am an expert stalker, due not only to my super speed and agility, but also to my ability to blend into the background and to move silently except for the sound of me dictating these notes. I stalk like a particularly talkitive cat.

Anyway, I keep to the shadows. I am not detected, of this I am certain. The quarry is utterly unaware of me as I slide effortlessly...

"Hello? Who's there?"

Uh... I freeze and melt into the background, so that I cannot be seen, and could not be seen even though the quarry were looking directly at me...

"I can hear you describing what you're doing, and .... yes I can see you there."

Bugger. But wait. I cannot be fooled that easily. This is merely a ploy to trick me into revealing myself.

"No, really. You're right there, between the industrial bin and the wall. Yeah, right there. What are you doing?"

Uh... "Miss Stanley I presume?" I step forward from the shadows, revealing myself at exactly the moment I had intended to.

"Mr."

"What?"

"Mr Stanley. I'm Mr Stanley."

Checking my notes... "It says Miss."

"Well, as you can plainly see... not female." The facial hair seems to support this. Also the fact that his trousers, and underwear, are now down about his ankles does allow certain clues as to a lack of femaleness to become apparent. "You like?"

"Uh... So... I must be leaving now."

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Regrets

I'm used to everything I do being wrong but this time I really fucked up, so now I'm going back to the start and will do it all differently. Have found the primordial swamp - how do you kickstart evolution anyway?

Henry did not write this.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Another Miss Stanley

[This post refers to Henry in Research Mode]
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I knock. The door opens. "Miss Stanley, I am..."

"What, you!" The old lady has a look of shocked recognition on her face. It swiftly transmogrifies into one of pure hatred. Presumably there is somebody standing behind me that she recognizes. "I do not want to go to the other side of the street! I like this side of the street! Now go away!!" She slams the door. Strangely enought I notice that there is nobody standing behind me. Perhaps she is insane.

I wonder if all those exclamation points might be some kind of clue. I move on, ever vigilant, determined to complete my sacred quest to interrogate all of the Miss Stanleys. Nothing will divert me from my objective now. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor mechanical dinosaur, nor...

Hey look, a kitten stuck in a tree. This looks like a job for... Henry the Adequate! ta da.

Quote of the Day

"I'm a human being on planet earth, sent here to push at the dirt for a while (preferably with a stick or computer or similar technology) and then to push it up until I decompose. Also, I've been outsourced."
- Philosupial

Henry did not write this. Henry put this here to avoid writing something today.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Henry and the Giant Robotic Dinosaur

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

"Everybody run for your lives, it's a giant robotic dinosaur!" I shout this warning as I leap heroically into action.

Chaos ensues. All about citizens of our fine city flee in panic. I notice a fool who is not fleeing. Instead he stands and stares up at the monstrosity, as though willing himself to be eaten. The fool. "Hey," I yell heroically, "Get out of there!" But he does not listen, and I do not have time to save those that do not want to be saved. The hideous mechanical monstrosity crushes him like a bug.

I notice an attractive young lady who is not fleeing. Instead she stands and stares up at the monstrosity, as though stricken by panic. "Hey," I yell heroically, "Get out of there!" But she appears unable to respond. I immediately leap to the rescue with no thought to my own safety. Using my super speed I snatch her from certain death as the creature's massive foot comes crashing down behind us.

I deposit her safely out of harm's way, then turn my attention back to the mechanical monster. "Who was that masked man," she says, as I charge fearlessly into the fray, "and why is he wearing his underwear on the outside?"

I dodge the thrashing tail and slip easily between its legs, my tremendous x-ray vision probing it for weaknesses even as I evade those enormous, blood encrusted, feet. Suddenly, in a huge and glaring plot inconsistency, it is gone.

"Damn! You will not escape me next time, giant robotic dinosaur!" I wonder who was controlling it, and how they are connected with my evil sister. I wonder where it will strike next. I wonder if the evil slave masters I have been tracking have any more tricks up their sleeves. (Actually it is summer, so they may not be wearing long sleeves) I wonder if I can make it home in time to watch Buffy.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Henry On Tape

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Um... Well this is the first time I've been to one of these dating agencies... so if I seem kinda awkward on this tape then.... you know...

Anyway, I don't like freaks and weirdos, so if you're a freak, or a weirdo, please don't pick me. I also don't like hairy underarms....

...What I'm looking for in a partner: Well,... an enormous intellect, obviously... Super powers would be good, as long as they're not better than mine... But no freaks. Or weirdos. And she probably shouldn't be a minion to the forces of darkness - that never works out well.

Oh but they said I should talk about myself... and things I like...

Um... I fight crime. I pummel crime. I wear my boxers on the outside. I like defeating supervillians, demons, and assorted monstrosities. I like saving the city from meteor strikes and giant chickens. I also like pizza.

Once I stopped a runaway train with my bare hands - I pulled the brake lever really hard and the train just stopped... Another time I discovered/will discover the secret of time travel. I'd tell you what it is but then I would have no choice but to go back and kill myself, again.

Sometimes when nobody is watching I like to dress up as an egg and practice getting laid.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Henry Questions Miss Stanley

[ This post referes to Henry in Research Mode]

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

I knock on the door.

"Yes?" My super-psychic powers tell me that the woman who answers is thirty-five years old, born September the Fifth. My psychic powers get a little help from my ultra-wave xray vision, which enables me to instantly scan her handbag and read her driver's license.

"Miss Stanley?"

"Yes. Who are you, and why are you wearing your boxers on the outside?" As if my evil sister would not have warned her slavish minions that I am hot on their heels. Does this woman take me for an idiot?

"I am certain you know very well who I am! You cannot fool me with your pretended ignorance, minion of she who will not be named, for Google is never wrong!" I raise my palm in supplication to the great gods of search.

"What?" She moves to close the door, but I prevent this. "I'll call the police!"

"Will you tell them about the capital masters who have attended you?"

"What? How did you..." She hesitates, then motions for me to enter. "What do you want?"

"Information." I glance around as I enter, noting the dark furnishings, and the strange sculptures that seemed to resemble whips and chains. "You must tell me everything you know about the evil overlords, and their plans."

"Evil overlords? Look I don't care what weird shit you're into, but I get paid in advance - five hundred, and nipple clamps are extra."

"Nipple clamps, I see." I nod wisely as my enormous brain works furiously to interpret this clue. Must be some kind of code. I scan the building with my mega-wave xray vision, but find no traces of Louise, or Gummi Bears. What sort of name is that for a supervillain anyway. I must speak to my sister about choosing for her a proper super-name . Maybe Lazy Lou, or Dark Deceiver, or Louise the Amazonian Anti-Hero.

"So, what's it going to be?" Miss Stanley seems to be getting impatient, or nervous. Perhaps she is beginning to crack under the pressure of my expert interrogation techniques.

"Ah... What indeed. How many evil Master of the Abyss has the she-devil Louise sent to you, and what are their names?" I decide to press my advantage.

"You don't get it, do you. It's cash in advance. Money first, twisted perverted little she-devil fantasies second."

Hmmm. She-devil. Not a bad name for a supervilian, now that I think about it. Must suggest that to Louise. Although I do like Louise the Amazonian Anti-Hero too...

"I must leave now," Although I have found one or two clues here (the nipple clamps, for instance) I'm beginning to think she will not talk. Also, I don't have five hundred dollars. "but don't kid yourself - I know what's going on here."

"Look, just fuck off." She slams the door behind me.

Excellent. I make some notes, then examine the next name on the list of Miss Stanleys I have ripped from the phone book. A superhero's work is never done.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Henry and Louise - Age Five

At five I probably should have known there was something wrong with my sister.

Although not at full strength our powers were developing rapidly, and my hyper-xray vision had already enabled me to isolate several exotic elements that I named Jelly-Bean-ite, Poo-Poo-Stuff, and GI-Joe-Joe-Juice.

It was a clear day - a day that would have been hot were it not for the breeze that whispered through the swings and see-saws. My sister's ability to control the weather also helped.

"Hey Louise, what you doing?" She had created a depression in the sand pit, and was staring intently into it.

"Henry, come here... And call me Dizzy".

"Dizzy?"

"Dizzy is my new name. Look - I'm mixing up some Poo-Poo-Stuff and GI-JJJ and Jelly-Bean-ite, and make it really hot..." The quantites of super-exotic elements she employed were so microscopic that I had to use my micro-xray vision just to see them. She had indeed heated the mixture using her heating-upper powers.

"What is it?"

"ah, just stuff. Come with me..."

We move over beneath the slide. The side facing the sand-pit had a hastily-constructed wall that appeared to be glass, but to my super-senses was much more that that...

At this point a bolt of lightning struck the sandpit from the cloudless sky. There are no words to describe what happened next. I stood and stared at the smouldering ruins of a small country town while my sister laughed gleefully beside me. This is the moment I should have suspected that Louise was indeed fundamentally broken. "Hmmm," she pondered, with a look of self-satisfaction, "I think I'll call it Voom"

Even at five I understood what had just happened, and my sharp mind immediately saw the horrifying implications. "You blew up everything. How will we get pizza now?!"

Monday, October 24, 2005

Henry Examines the Crime Scene

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I scan the debris with my ultra-sensitive xray, spectrum-analysing, spy-ray vision, examining ash, rubble, and shards of glass from the macro down to the molecular level. Nothing escapes my keen senses. I detect traces of a special explosive developed by my sister and myself when we were in preschool.

"Seems to have been some kind of gas leak," remarks a policeman to an officious looking official.

Uh... My super-senses detect evidence of a gas leak of some kind.

But wait! Beneath the rubble my spy-ray vision detects scorch marks fanning out from a central point as though Dizzy had stood in this spot and swept the area with her Super-powered ultra heat vision...

"The rupture in the gas line seems to have occurred over here," continues the policeman.

... or alternatively this could be the spot where the gas explosion originated.

Yes I really am getting the picture now. The pieces of the puzzle are gradually coming together to form a coherent whole. And soon I shall have my cake and eat it too, and the pigeons will come home to roost. I decide that, although I could examine the crime scene until the cows come home, I have all the information I need and should let sleeping dogs lie.

Also, I ordered pizza twenty minutes ago and it will be ready by now. I like pizza.

Helpful Henry - reprise

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Today I helped an old lady to cross the street. And she bit me, dammit. I think I need some shots or something.

Try to help some people...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Helpful June

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I arrive at the crime scene. The police are already here and have set up barricades. A small crowd is in attendance. I...

"Henry! Over here! Henry it's me, June." Well it looks as though the crime scene isn't going anywhere. I can spare a moment for one of my many fans. "I got here earlier Henry. I've questioned the witnesses."

"Uh, thanks, that's... helpful June. So, why are you wearing a mask?" I can't help also noticing that she is wearing a pink jumpsuit and has some kind of backpack on. It looks almost, but not quite, nice.

"I'm a superhero too Henry. I have powers and everything. I can run faster than a speeding supermarket trolley!" Something about this strikes me as not quite right. She just doesn't seem the superhero type. "I don't have a name yet - was going to be June the Inadequate but something you said just now sounded good... Helpful June. I am Helpful June, and I am a superhero - or is it superheress, or superheroess. I don't know. It could be superheroine. What do you think?"

I think there are one or two too many crazy people in this town. I wonder if this is the work of my sister, Louise. "You said you questioned the witnesses?"

"Oh, yes." She has a notebook. "First guy, no name, said 'Get that fucking microphone out of my face'."

"You have a microphone?"

"No."

"Ah, go on." Is everybody here insane?

"Um, then next one's called Anarkitty. 'Preferences aside, I’m much of what you might imagine – if you can easily imagine a skinny, feminine-but-not-girly forty+1 y/o anarchist who lives to make food and love cats and collect old rosaries and carries a purse full of Sanrio and odd things I find and loves debate and friends and darkness and creative self-destruction and.. yeah. Nice to meet you. :)' Actally said 'smiley' at the end. I think that one might be significant because my question was 'did you see what happened'."

"Did you question anybody else?"

"No that's it."

"Ok, um, thanks. So anyway June, what's with the backpack"

"That's my rocket pack... or it will be, when I get a rocket..."

"Ok, good luck with that..." Clearly this has been a waste of my time. Well it's clear to me, since I have super-intellectual powers. I must go and scan the area for clues.

"Wait, Henry. Maybe I have some information about the Gummi Bears!"

"Well do you?"

"Uh, no..."

"I must leave now."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Statement of Audience

Statement of Audience
---------------------
I realize that nothing I say matters to anyone else on the entire planet. My opinions are useless and unfocused. I am an expert in nothing. I know nothing. I am confused about almost everything. I cannot, as an individual, ever possibly know everything, or even enough to make editorial commentary on the vast vast majority of things that exist in my world. This is a stupid document; it is meaningless drivel that I do not expect any of the several billion people on my planet to actually read. People who do read my rambling, incoherent dumbfuckery are probably just as confused as I am, if not moreso, as they are looking to my sorry ass for an opinion when they should be outside playing Frisbee with their dog or screwing their life partner or getting a dog or getting a life partner. Anyone who actually takes the time to read my bullshit probably deserves to ingest my fucked up and obviously mistaken opinions on whatever it is that I have written about.

Ben
http://mama.indstate.edu/users/bones/WhyIHateWebLogs.html
Please add the above Statement of Audience to your own weblog.

re: Feedback

A lot of people write to me about Henry. There are a few threats, but mostly the feedback is overwhelmingly positive, and I'd like to thank you all for that. Often I am asked if there is some way the readers can show their appreciation for my work. I always find it embarassing to ask for money, or say "Click on the google ad peabrain!", so usually I just go with "Whatever, doesn't matter."

Men generally offer to buy me a drink. Some of them are probably trying to shag me, but mostly I think they're grateful for a good laugh.

Women usually send me photos of their tits, and I write back and say "Why'd you send me that?" and they say "I thought that's what you wanted" and I say "Nah, I'm more interested in your mind. I'm like this sensitive guy who's interested in a woman for who she is" and then they send me photos of flowers and stuff but meanwhile I'm posting their tits all over the internet.

That's life, you know.

Henry did not write this.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Henry in Research Mode

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

I must discover my sister's diabolical plan before it is too late. All the information in the world is available on the internet so I will look for it there. Fortunately I have become much more proficient with computers since last I wrote about those most excellent devices (see Hi Tech Henry, and Henry and his Computer). I even know what a hyper-lynx is. For those with less computer experience and who lack the intellect of a superhero I will explain things as I go along like this: [if you run out of paper, just ask a friend to fax you some]

So I start up my web browser. [The web was created by this giant spider, only it doesn't spin silk it spins information. Lots of information. That's why it is called the "web" - because of the spider. A web browser is like a car, and you cruise around picking up little bits of information, instead of prostitutes. Not that I would do that - the thing with the prostitutes. Those photos are completely inconclusive. I was out of town that day. ]

I type in "What is my sister's master plan" and press the enter button. A little rectangle pops up that says "The URL is not valid and cannot be loaded". Damn those popups. I need a popup blocker. I decide to try Google instead. [a Google is a very large number - about 300 I think.]

At Google I type in "sister master". Wow, thirteen million results. Apparently my evil sister can't keep a secret. I set myself to the task of interpreting the results. "Miss Stanley had been attended by the most capital masters... the sister of the dead man... The Swami had become her Master... We drag the river for stuff you didn't know you were missing... MASTER/slave COUPLE SEEKING SISTER SLAVE for 24/7" [The correct way to use google is to extract the meaning from each result returned then add them all together. Under no circumstances click on any of the links! I clicked on a link once, and it took me away from google to someplace else! Not only that, there were people doing strange and enticing things to each other. I expressed my disapproval by giving them my credit card number and a good talking to.]

It seems that my sister has many slaves to help her, and that Dizzy is planning to kill me then throw me in the river. This is probably so I cannot foil her evil plan. I still do not know what the plan is, but I have a pretty good idea that Miss Stanley knows!

I leave my computer and take a look at the phone book. [Never turn your computer off. When you do that the internet stops working. You should leave it on so other people can still use the internet]

Time to pay a visit to Miss Stanley.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Henry and the Badness

This is bad, really bad. This badness far outstretches all previous badness. Why it is worse than the great Ashes debacle of 2005 (damn that Ricky Ponting). This is so bad that that even I, Henry the Adequate, may not be able to put it right. Why this is so bad that if they had some badness awards it would come away with the gold logie, and several minor awards aimed at encouraging new talent, which is a really good - because new talent definitely needs to be encouraged and we have to look to the future and, well, think of the children.

Anyway, this is bad. I run, with all my superhuman speed powers turned to maximum. I sprint, desperation evident in the straining of my mighty muscles, and in the way my enormous penis swings like a great and extremely agitated pendulum to slam against each thigh in turn. Ow.

I grab the receptacle by the nearest handle and drag it groaning behind me like an enraged dinosaur, but I am not slowed. I am power, intensity, speed.

I scream to a halt, my heels leaving a furrow several inches deep in the footpath. "Bugger!" Tail lights in the distance winking at me, the garbage truck turns the corner, and is gone.

I go back inside and put some clothes on.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Henry's Sister

"Hi Sis. I need to talk to you. Can we meet someplace?"


"What's going on Henry?" We sit in the sidewalk cafe, I in my usual dashing superhero clothes, Dizzy in an outfit so tight it could be a scotsman. All the men in the place are looking at her. This makes me uncomfortable.

"How's things with you Dizzy?" I frown. "Are you still seeing that guy..."

"Which one?" I can tell she is enjoying this, dammit. She leans back and adjusts her breasts in a move clearly designed to increase my discomfort. It works.

"I don't know. Whichever one... You working at the moment?"

"What's this all about Henry? You've obviously got something on your mind. And I've got things to do, places to go, cities to sack and pillage..."

"Ah Ha!" I knew she would slip up sooner or later. "It is you!" I leap up from my chair and point dramatically at her, my outrage plain to all. Unfortunately all are still staring at my sister and have missed my masterful performance. "I will put an end to your diabolical plans once and for all Dizzy!"

"Sit down Henry. You can't touch me, and you know it. I am way out of your league, Brother. And another thing - stop calling me Dizzy. I hate that name." She stretches, hands behind head, causing her breasts to thrust out like a pair of really big breasts.

"I will find a way..."

"And another thing, Henry, I'm not seeing that guy any more. I'm not seeing any guys any more, because I'm a lesbian."

"What!" This is completely unbelievable. Well actually she is the only girl I ever met who understands the offside rule and I always wondered why she liked cricket so much...

"Apparently I'm a boy with all the girl bits in the right places...and that makes me adorable dammit!"

" I will stop you Dizzy, and it doesn't matter that you're my little sister. It doesn't matter how adorable you are, you are evil and I will stop your diabolical plan, for I am Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero!.... " I stand with my finger raised to the heavens, for dramatic effect. "Um... So... Sis.... What is your diabolical plan anyway?"

She laughs an evil laugh of pure evilness. I can tell she has been practising that laugh for a very long time. "Goodbye Henry."

Monday, October 17, 2005

Henry and his Computer

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I unpack my new computer/fax machine, and turn it on. My keen computer mind spies a problem right away so I call the computer shop guy. "What are you guys doing selling me a computer with no virus scanner! Do you want me to be inflicted?"

"You don't need a virus scanner with that computer sir. It is immune to all known forms of infection."

"What!" He must think I am an imbercile. But I am not. I am a superhero, with a brain of truly stupendous proportions. "Every fool knows that computers cannot survive without a virus scanner. Do you think I am a fool?"

"Uh..."

"I'm sure I need Norton Antivirus. Are you going to send it to me?"

"Is your computer turned on right now?"

"Well, yes, can't you tell?" This is a slightly puzzling turn of events.

"Ok, then. Notice at the top of your screen it says Applications Places, and System? Click on where it says System."

"Click?"

"Move your finger on the little black square below the keyboard. You should see a little arrow moving on the screen"

"Keyboard?"

"The thing with lots of buttons on it."

"Oh yeah, ok. The little arrow moves." I'm really getting the hang of this now. I am so much cleverer than the average person. No wonder villains tremble at my name.

"Now make the little arrow - that's called a pointer by the way - move it up to where it says System, and push the little button below your finger. The one on the left. That's called Left-Clicking, or just Clicking. Tell me what happened when you did that."

"Wow!" This is really getting exciting now. "This thing sorta slid down and it has writing on it"

"Great, now look at the writing. See where it says About Microsoft Windows?"

"No it doesn't say that!" I am shocked. "My god, it says About Ubuntu! What the hell is an Ubumtu? Does that mean I have a virus already?"

"No, no, that means you don't have a virus, and you're not going to get one. See you don't have the special virus enabling program that most people get with their computers."

"Virus enabling program?"

"Yes, Microsoft Windows."

"You're just trying to avoid sending me Norton Antivirus, aren't you." If there's one thing I know, it is that all computers need antivirus software.

"Your computer has Ubuntu Linux. That protects you from all known viruses, and it is one hundred percent effective. And it is way way more advanced that Windows"

"Oh really?" This is suspicious. I have never heard of the Ubuntu virus scanner before. "How much did this Ubuntu thing cost me?"

"Nothing. It's free". Ah, ha! Now I know he is lying to me, the lying scoundrel. Free my super buttocks.

"So," I demand, "When are you going to send me Norton Antivirus?" These fools obviously don't know who they are dealing with.

He sighs the sigh of defeat, a familiar sound indeed. "I'll send it right away." Once again Henry has prevailed. The computer shop person never stood a chance against my superior intellect. "I'm sending you a very new, very advanced version of Norton Antivirus. There's no installation necessary, and it will protect every Linux computer in the same room. No need to even take it out of the box, ok?"

"Excellent!" This is more like it. "Now, there's just one more thing. How long do you think it will take for me to download the internet?"

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Henry Meets June

My name is Henry the Adequate, Henry the superhero, Superhero Henry.

I am at the local markets, following up on a lead. Apparently there has been a gummi bear sighting. I see many tables of fruit and vegetables, some face painters... I shudder. face painters... shudder. Small children with faces made to look like flowers, and tigers, and even more disturbing things. Weirdos. I hitch up my boxers, adjust my mask, and continue the search.

I stop at a stall. The sign says "Peanut Butter Portraits $5". A lady sits at the stall. I wonder if she has seen anything. There is a customer. I watch as the artist sticks her hand into a cracked ceramic pot and pulls out a large blob of brown gunk - crunchy I think. No, not a blob. A smear. The peanut butter has fairly liquified in the midday sun. There are many pots of the stuff spread about her work area. She is an interesting creature, almost attractive, but difficult to describe, so I won't. Using her fingers, and her palm, she rubs the peanut butter onto the canvas, pausing occasionally to scrutinize the customer. As the painting takes shape I realize that she has almost, but not quite, managed to capture the essence of her subject. Pity.

Eventually she is done, and the customer leaves, a look of not-quite-satisfaction warring with one of slight annoyance on the front of his head. I approach. "Excuse me, do you mind..."

"Questions, no I don't mind. Always happy to help a superhero." She is perceptive. I like that. "I'm June".

"Henry the Adequate. Have you seen anything suspicious? Like gummi bears?"

"No thank you, I just ate. Well I did see a boy with his face painted like a tiger. Could be he's going to rob a bank or something and the paint is a disguise, for the security cameras. And there was this cat. And a truck-load of frozen peaches that I think was heading in the wrong direction. Oh and a few days ago a giant chicken ate all my peanut butter."

"Uh, Actually what I was looking for was some evil Gummi Bears, but thanks anyway." It is clear I will learn nothing here. Unless the painted children are not children at all, but evil mutant Gummi Bears in disguise. But that's ridiculous. Also, all this talk of face painting is making me nervous.

"Wait, I can help you..." she calls after me, but I realize now that there is more going on than even I had previously divined. My magnificent brain has been working overtime on this problem for several days now, and pieces are finally beginning to fall into place. Shapeshifting grandmothers, giant chickens, Gummi Bears, insidious mind control rays, face painting. A criminal mastermind is definitely behind all of this, and I am beginning to see a pattern that points in a direction that I have long feared.

I need to call my sister.

Note: Many thanks to smilesr4u for the character of June, the Gummi Bears, and a most interesting brainstorming session.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

To My One True Love

We've been together for a while now and I think it's time we talked about where our relationship is going.

I can see us getting married one day in a nice little ceremony with a couple of hundred of your closest friends and both of mine - that's assuming I can ditch the wife and kids. I couldn't pay for the wedding of course, not having a job and all that, and it can't be on a Tuesday, because of my AA meetings. This friday is also right out, on account of a pending court appearance. Who knew those sheep were underage anyway - I mean it's not like they carry ID.

Please let me know if you prefer a church wedding, or maybe a garden one. We can't use my garden as the police are still digging holes in it.

This was not written by Henry.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Hi Tech Henry

It's morning. I have been following a suspicious looking scoundrel for several hours, certain that he will lead me to the supervillain behind the evil that has afflicted our city...


Hey look, computers. Just what I need to fight crime. I go into the shop. Fortunately I am well versed in the latest technology. I scan the shelves. Ah ha! This one looks just right.

"Can I help you," asks the shop person.

"Yes, I'd like to buy this computer here. And I'll need a broadwave internet rooter for it."

"That," he says, indicating the computer, "is a fax machine." He seems very happy all of a sudden, probably at the prospect of a sale.

"Oh." I am impressed. "And where does the internet plug in?" He makes a strange choking sound deep in his throat, and has to excuse himself. "That's ok. I'll just look at these here tiny little typewriters while I'm waiting".

He returns. "Sorry, had to take a call. What you'll need for the internet is an entirely different kind of fax machine - like these ones here." He indicates one of the tiny typewriters.

"That can send faxes?" I am amazed. This must be brand new technology.

"Among other things," he assures me.

I am impressed by his knowledge and dedication, and offer him a job as my sidekick, but apparently he is contracted to work in the computer shop until hell freezes over.

"Ok," he says, "how would you like to pay for that?"

"Ah..." Now here's a development I had not anticipated.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Reflections

I came into your room while you were asleep, sat and watched your breasts rise and fall gently in the moonlight. After a while your breathing quickened slightly, and you seemed somehow disturbed. I ran my fingers lightly through your hair until you settled, then sat for a while longer bathing in reflected moonglow, kissed you once on the lips, stole a handful of your underwear, and was gone.

Henry did not write this.

Henry - a Low Inspiration Day

I walk into a bar.

I pick myself up, rubbing at the bar-shaped lump on my head. Damn that hurt.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Henry Uses His Brain

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a super sleuth.

I step into the pub. There is nothing unusual, at least nothing obviously so, even to my enhanced senses. Yet this is where the mind control rays have led me.

The defeat of one enormous mutant chicken has provided a fine stock of frozen dinners, while at the same time leaving me feeling strangely unsatisfied and empty. There are too many questions that remain. For example how did such a brain-burstingly stupid creature avoid detection for so long, and where did it come from in the first place, and what kind of strange mind-control device was used to so befuddle me, and who is behind all of this anyway, and why do they use those hideously ineffectual little square plastic things to seal bread.

As I ponder these questions I notice that the pathetic lowlifes inhabiting the bar are staring at me strangely. Suppose they don't get many superheroes in here. Now one or two of them seem offended in some way. I resolve to keep my voice down while dictating these notes.

Though certain one is nearby I cannot detect a source of the mind control ray. A deep scan of the entire building with my visual actualizers set to maximum reveals only that matter is indeed made up of 99.99999% empty space. I adjust my actualizers to a more reasonable level. Still nothing.

I decide to question one of the patrons, picking completely at random a stunning redhead with terrence-hill-blue eyes. Before I can say anything she leaps to her feet, fear evident in her features, and her stance, and her words. "They're not here are they?! Have you seen them?"

"Who?" I scan the area again, but do not find anything unusual, or threatening.

"Gummi Bears. Evil Gummi Bears. I can't escape from them. They're everywhere! The purple one took my shoe!" And indeed she is wearing a single shoe.

I begin to back slowly away, hoping to escape with only minor insanity-burn, but suddenly realize that this may be just the clue I've been seeking. Could evil Gummi Bears be behind the recent strange and disturbing events? "Fear not!" I announce, "I will bring the Gummi Bears' reign of terror to an end, for my name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero!"

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Victory for Henry

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

My enemy lunges at me, but I am ready this time. I slide effortlessly to the left, twist, dodge and come up behind it. With a mightly leap I close in for the kill, firing up the micro-flamethrower that has been surgically implanted in my forearm. The thing roars as a raging torrent of flame pours forth and engulfs the demon foe.

I am confident at this point that the hideous mutant creature is finished, so I take a little time out to scream and writhe on the ground in agony. Damn that flamethrower gets hot. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I think maybe a crushed ice machine, or a handy little embedded computer would have been better.

I realize that there are singed and burning feathers falling all about me, like a delicious smelling snow storm.

I am going to need a really big freezer.

Absence of Henry

I am wallowing in a pit of cold uncertainty
Are my eyes closed or are they open, but my brain is just not listening
The world sends me signals of indifference
I duck and weave and look to express my lack of any true expressiveness
In a way I AM my lack of expressiveness
I always thought I was immune to mass indignation and indifference
And, of course, I am.
These moments of clarity sometimes cloud my lack of judgement,
But they soon pass.

How many roads must a man walk down before he needs a new pair of shoes?

Henry did not write this.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Important - Please read

I turn off the sleek, sexy Macintosh, and leave the house, my super-comfortable Nike joggers barely making a sound.

In the car now and she purrs like a lion that 's just finished a very tasty meal of slightly desert-cooked big game hunter. Those guys at Lexus make one damn fine automobile.

Boy I'm glad I followed the advice of those brilliant chaps at everbank, otherwise I would never have been able to afford such a magnificent vehicle.

Yes, folks, Henry does product placement. Please send cash.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Henry and the Insidious Mind Control Demon

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

Something is wrong. Images, sounds, and smells permeate my consciousness. Is somebody sending me thoughts? Is this some insidious mind control technique?

A woman. Mysterious, sensual, eyes - large, deep, inviting, promising truth, ecstasy and release. A voice. I can't quite make out what she is saying, but I'm pretty sure she is speaking to me. She has a name. What is it? My head is swimming. Even my super senses seem unable to penetrate this thought-fog.

I stumble. A large feathery shadow passes over me, but the images in my head, and the strange other-worldly emotions that accompany them, drive me to ignore it. "Justine". "I'm Justine". Where do these words come from? What demon forces into my thoughts these siren-like images designed to distract me from my mission?

I bump into a large, yellow, lumpy, strange smelling lamp post. Dammit, Henry, concentrate. Must find giant mutant chicken.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Henry Tracks His Foe

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Tonight I'm on the trail of a giant chicken. A beast so terrifying and vile that I barely escaped our last encounter with my life (see Henry Gets Laid).

Ok, not exactly "On" the trail, but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere near the trail. In the same state at least...

Ok, try again. Tonight I roam the streets in search of evil supervillian giant chickens, so far without luck. My finely honed senses are straining to pick up even the slightest clue. My concentration is at such a pitch that I am simultaneously aware of all that is going on around me in great detail. I hear a dog barking two blocks away. To my right a baby cries. I see a barber in his shop fifty yards away drop his comb, and hear it strike the floor. I can smell the cars, the barber's hair stuff, seafood somewhere nearby. Wait, that wasn't seafood.

Yet still there is no sign of the giant chicken monster.

Oh bugger. I just stepped in a meter wide pile of tacky, white, foul smelling stuff. Where did that come from? Damn dogs.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Henry and the Shapeshifter

So I am outside the old lady's house again. As you are no doubt aware she is really a shapeshifting demon supervillain, possibly from another dimension.

Suddenly a small dog wanders out. Or something that looks like a small dog. My super-senses are so highly tuned that even this cunning disguise does not fool me. I grab the nasty shapeshifter and head for home.

I question it for several hours. Since I am on my own I must play both the good cop and the bad cop. This quickly becomes rather confusing. I am giving the dog a drink of water when suddenly I knock the bowl flying from my hand to smash against the wall. "He gets nothing until he answers our questions," I tell myself.

I am threatening the demon with live electrodes when the doorbell rings. I drop the electrodes and head upstairs to answer it. "No I don't want to buy a new vacuum cleaner."

Back downstairs I notice that the electrodes have fallen in a pool of water. I discover this by stepping in the water - a foolproof method, since the massive discharge of electricity is hard to ignore. Fortunately my superpowers save me.

The dog apparently does not have superpowers. Now, where did I put my shovel.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Henry Saves the Day

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

"Help!!"

I take in the situation immediately. Bag snatcher is fleeing. Pretty lady calling out for help. Very pretty actually. Blonde unkempt hair - well not unkempt, but that kind of designer lack of kempt that probably requires significant effort to maintain. You know, Rod Stewart kind of unkempt. Only not a guy. (Rod Stewart is a guy, right?). Lips, pouting, struggling to draw my attention from the deep eyes that peer between golden locks...

"Help!!". Oh yeah, the bag snatcher. My super speed allows me to overtake him with ease. He sees me and pulls a knife from somewhere, swings wildly, misses, and falls to the ground unconscious as a well timed blow from my mighty super fist finds its target.

Hmm, that was too easy. Perhaps this is a diversion. I scan the area immediately for giant chickens.

"Thank you, thank you. Um... hi I'm Justine." Her eyes peer deeply into mine, as though attempting to impart some cosmic truth. Her tongue flicks briefly accross those tender lips...

Something is definitely going on here. I just can't put my finger on it. My super senses are detecting all kinds of unfamiliar signals and subtexts. "You're not a shapeshifter are you?"

"A what?"

"Or a giant chicken?"

"No." She looks a little confused. "Actually I was just going to suggest that maybe we could..."

"What was that!" I catch a flash of colour at the corner of my eye. Dammit I knew this was some kind of diversion. There must be a supervillain of some kind behind the bag snatcher. I grab the petty crook and drag him back to my hideout for questioning.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Henry Gets Laid

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

What was that sound? A huge booming clucking sound. As though a gigantic chicken were stalking me. Ha! Giant chickens - that'll be the day.

Clearly it is a sonic boom, such as from some form of aircraft. Or a UFO - those alien supervillains sure are dangerous. Especially if you are a cow.

I rush home and send an email to The Enterprise Mission so Captain Kirk can get on the case. Those marauding aliens will never know what hit them. I also send an email to Joss Whedon suggesting that maybe he can make a movie about me and my struggle against those sinister aliens. I realize that there will need to be a strong female lead, but I am prepared to compromise my integrity for a few million dollars.

Satisfied that everything is under control I turn the TV on, hoping for some Buffy reruns, or maybe Firefly. But what's this? A giant mutant chicken is terrorizing the city. This sounds like a job for Henry the Adequate. I drop everything and rush to the fray.

"Halt chicken-fiend!" I boom, in my heroically booming voice, "You may not terrorize this city!" Men flee. Female bystanders are swooning in terror. I make a mental note to help them out, and maybe get their phone numbers, once I have despatched this hideous creature - well the more attractive ones at least.

The gigantic chicken monster lurches forward and suddenly I am engulfed. The bird swallows me whole. It is slimy. It stinks very much like the inside of a chicken. I cannot breathe. Fortunately my super powers protect me from the lack of breathingness. I struggle. I try to run, to swim, to slide, to ooze for what seems a very long time. I feel a pressure all around me. In the darkness my arm brushes a solid object of some kind. There is light in that direction. I strike out, and again, and repeatedly, until I feel something give. There is a crack. And another.

Suddenly I am free, and floating in an enormous pool of yellow muck. Gigantic shards of shattered egg shell surround me. Apparently I have been laid. I scan the area with my super radar-vision, but the chicken is nowhere in sight. And neither are any of the attractive swoonees. "Curses!". I swear to bring the evil monster to justice one day. "Damn you, giant chicken!"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Henry To The Rescue

There is a young lady. Rather attractive actually. She is trying to start her car, but my super-keen senses tell me that the battery is flat. "What seems to be the problem miss?"

"What the..." She is startled to see me. No doubt many thoughts are rushing through her mind at this point, such as "Who is that masked man", and "How did he suddenly appear, and how does he know I require assistance", and "Be still my pounding heart". "So," she says, "Why are you wearing your boxers on the outside?"

"My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero." I can tell she is impressed. It is only natural.

"Don't come any closer. I have Mace." It is very endearing that she wishes to impress me with such a demonstration of courage.

"There is no cause for alarm. Perhaps I can help..." She seems uncertain about something - I'm not sure what - but I convince her to pop the bonnet. "Hmm." I locate the battery. There are a lot of other thingies in there too. Wires, and stuff. I don't really understand any of it. "Yes, I am very familiar with this model, and I am certain that I can fix it."

I use my super-electro powers to recharge her battery. There is a flash, an arc of super-charged electro-dynamicness. Molten metal drips from some big blob of metallic stuff that I'm hoping is not essential. I close the bonnet. It seems to have become warped somehow and will not close completely. I use my super-xray-Heat powers to weld it shut.

"What's going on?" She is still behind the wheel, but seems somehow excited. "What happened?" I give her two thumbs up and signal that she should try the key. The engine roars to life. She is clearly pleased. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. You know, perhaps we could... ".

But she is gone. It matters not, just so long as I can fulfill my glorious destiny. Superness is it's own reward. Sigh.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Henry Investigates

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a super sleuth.

I question a suspicious looking old lady. "Where were you when the liquor store guy got shot?"

"If you try to take me across the road again I'm going to have you killed."

Mmm. Suspicious. I take my findings to the police but they do not seem interested. "The security cameras show a man in his thirties," explains the investigating officer.

Clearly the old lady is some kind of shape-shifting supervillain. I must watch her very closely. Fortunately my super-stamina allows me to stakeout her house almost indefinitely without need for sustenance or rest.

19:00 - Nothing is happening.
19:05 - Nothing.
19:10 - Oh the interminable boredom.
19:11 - I realize that my super-dimensional ultra-wave powers will allow me to watch her, even from the comfort of my own home, and while watching TV.

I pick up a pizza on the way home.

Henry Needs a Drink

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

I go to the liquor store, but it is closed. The sign on the door says something about a shooting. Those bastards. I renew my sacred vows to protect the innocent and fight crime wherever and whenever it rears its ugly head.

A superhero's work is never done.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Henry Saves the World

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

The guy's sign says "THE END IS NIGH".

What could it mean? I use my keen superhero deductive powers. "The end of what?" I ask him.

"THE END OF THE WORLD" he says, in a voice as loud as his sign.

"You evil fiend". I realize now that he is a supervillain, and I must thwart his super scheme to end the world. I smash his sign using my super strength, no doubt thereby destroying the "End of World Super Chip" (or EOWSC) that is embedded in it. I take him to the police but they do not want him, presumably because their prisons cannot hold such an evil super genius. One of them threatens that they will arrest me if I do not let him go.

The forces of evil have agents everywhere, even in the Police.

I release the arch fiend, but grab him again as soon as we are out of sight of the police station. What to do?

I put him in my basement. I am sure the noise will stop as soon as I have finished laying the last few bricks.

Henry on Patrol

I am Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

Today I enter a liquor store and there is a guy with a gun, demanding cash. I think "Man, what a cliche!"

So I leave.

Henry Gets What's Coming to Him

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

Today an old lady paid some goons to beat me up.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Henry's Not Here Right Now.

"Hello. No, Henry's not here... Yes. Ah ha. Yeah, just finding a pen. Ok what's the message?

"Yes. Got that - cease and desist ... ok. How do you spell eviscerate? Is there, like, an s in that? Ok. Um, I don't know... No idea... I haven't seen him all day... Yes... Fifteen... No... Well I... You'll do what?!!! ... Well I... I'll tell him. Yes. Ok, bye."

Man, that is one intense librarian.

Henry has a Nemesis

My name is Henry the Adequate and I am a superhero.

I have an arch nemesis. "Curse you Doctor Death" I say, as he takes the last paper from the newspaper stand. "I'll get you next time, Doctor Death" I say as he orders the last cream donut - the one that I wanted.

"My name is Jack", he says, feigning confusion. These supervillains are cunning , and clever, and subtle. I wonder what neferious plot he is dreaming up in that twisted brain of his. I must remain alert. My super-concentration must not waver.

"I'm watching you, Jack Death. And I will foil your hideous scheme."

He gives me a look that clearly is designed to make me thing that he thinks I am insane, presumably so I will let my guard down. Oh these supervillains are indeed insidious and subtle. "Why are you wearing boxers on the outside of your jeans?"

An Important Message From Henry

Click on the ad. You know you want to.

Helpful Henry

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Today I helped an old lady to cross the street. She said she really wanted to stay on this side of the street, and would I please stop taking her to the other side.

I helped her anyway, because I am a superhero.