Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Henry's Windows XP Linux review

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I am also an expert on all things computer related. Now I am going to test Microsoft's brand new operating system, Windows XP. I am very excited about this because I have heard it is the best Linux distribution available today.

Getting Windows XP
This guy in a fancy suit comes up to me in the street and threatens legal action if I do not give him four hundred dollars. The flamethrower embedded in my forearm roars into action, reducing him to a small pile of sticky ash on the sidewalk. Somehow this CD has rolled free, so I take it home with me.

I don't have a spare computer to install this fine operating symptom on. I consider using my laptop but it has really important stuff on it that I don't want to risk losing. Instead I break into the neighbour's house, grab some cold pizza from the fridge, and settle down at his computer.

The computer is small, black, and has some writing on the front of it. The brand name appears to be DVDRW, whatever that means.


When I get there the computer is already running, so I pop the CD in and restart the system by pulling the power cable from the back and re-inserting it. This is a much faster way of restarting that I have just discovered. If you were a superhero you'd be able to think of clever things like this too.

It says "Press any key to boot from CD". After careful consideration I determine that the best key to press would be the spacebar. There's a few blue screens with stuff written on them, then it gets to this one that says "Welcome to Setup". I press Enter to make it go away.

Next I come to what's called a "Windows XP Licensing Agreement". It is weird. I do not understand it at all, so I phone my legal guy and read it out to him. Some time later he calls back and explains to me exactly what the license means.

I remove the CD, and microwave it for several minutes. Meanwhile there is the sound of metal being violently torn asunder as I use my superhuman strength to rip the neighbour's computer open and in a deep and unfathomable rage do destroy each component in turn by crushing them with my bare hands, after which I use my psycho-electric powers to reduce what remains to a bizarrely twisted lump of semi-molten slag. Perhaps the house is also contaminated. I burn it to the ground, just to be sure. Am I being too cautious? I think not.

Using Windows XP
Are you out of your mind?

This CD is extremely dangerous. Destroy on sight and sterilize the immediate area with a great big beautiful fire.

Henry advises extreme caution.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Windows Machine : $1500 Cdn
WindowsXP os : $299 Cdn
Pukin' through my nose when I read this review : Priceless.

You are my hero Henry....


9:20 am  
Blogger Ben said...

LOL. Best comment award goes to Cabs61.

Please collect your prize at the ticket office on the way out. We hope you enjoyed the show.

9:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, you now owe me a new keyboard. By the way, which way to the ticket office?


9:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, you now owe me a new keyboard. By the way, which way to the ticket office?


9:48 am  
Blogger JoeC said...

XP is a Linux? don't pick things up from the streets and bring them home, you don't know where they have been to. Hey, what about a printer ribbon review..... cheers!

11:53 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Cabs61: If you do not know where the ticket office is this suggests that you snuck in without paying, which would of course result in forfeit of all winnings.

This is a crying shame because I am sure you were looking forward to your very special prize pack, which consisted of one moderately nuked Windows XP CD, a jar of spagetti sauce(expired 2001), and a very small piece of coal that might, given a few million years and the right conditions, one day become a diamond.

These winnings will now be auctioned on ebay, with the proceeds going to a worthy charity - Linux Gangster for example.

Don't get me going on about printers. Printers are the work of the evil slave masters, sent to enslave us and make us all slaves.

1:37 pm  
Anonymous Miss Ann Thrope said...

You're killing me! My husband, Mr. Cranky F. Pants The Techtard, has decided you are cool.

I think he may even read your blog being as how he's sort of a superhero in his own right.

And he puts up with me going back and forth between 2k and Ubuntu.

2:19 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

How about a review of digital cameras?

7:58 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Miss Ann:

Thank you for the kind words, and for the plug on your own site.

Firstly let me say that there is probably some kind of treatment available for Mr Pants, though I hope you don't seek it out - I need all the readers I can get to feed my pathetic neediness.

Secondly, Ubuntu is fantastic, but Debian is the king. Long live the King. And don't be too ashamed of dual booting Win2k. You're still way ahead of most.

8:12 pm  
Anonymous Miss Ann Thrope said...

Treatment? No. 7 computers will reside in my living room for life...did you know that you need 13 fans for the Black box O' Death?

Did you know the TV volume has to be raised to 20 when he fires that thing up?

Were you aware the monitors have lots and lots of little tiny pieces?

How many heat syncs, motherboards and megs and gigs and bytes can one possibly need?

Why are there 4 computers in the basement with 40 cables running thru a hole in the floor? What is this firewall, fileserver, router and other mystery gray box?

Finally, did he really have to do that electrical engineer thing and service MRI equiptiment, work on a nuke sub in the Navy and troubleshoot every-fucking-thing with a moving part? And how come when I ask him a qestion I really get an answer...for 3 solid hours and even Henry would start drooling and rocking back and forth because his super powers couldn't shut him up...he'd have to whip out his laser to make him stop.

End run-on sentences.

4:26 am  
Blogger Ben said...

All of this sounds reasonably familiar, except I have no basement, am not an electrical engineer, and was not in the navy. Oh and I never answer questions.

"How many heat syncs, motherboards and megs and gigs and bytes can one possibly need?"

There is no upper limit, but there is a lower limit, which is equal to the exact number that you currently own, plus one.

But I'm totally with you on the run-on sentences.

6:41 am  
Anonymous Miss Ann Thrope said...

thanks for answering my question though I know you don't answer questions.

I forgot. We must have bugs in the cellar because he's always talking about Raid.

Can Henry come over and nuke them with his bug killer o' death?

2:02 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Henry will be right over with his flamethrower, which is extremely good at killing those nasty computer bugs. You may need a new house though.

2:43 pm  
Blogger Sameera said...

hey nice funny write up

2:47 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Thank you.

7:01 am  

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