Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Henry's Sysadmin Toolbox

[WARNING: This story contains dangerous material. Under no circumstances should its advice be taken literally, or at all.]

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Recently I have seen several very interesting articles on software utilities of use to sysadmins, such as this one, and this one. However the author(s) miss the mark in several very important areas, which is no surprise, since they are not superheroes like me. So, it's Henry the Adequate to the rescue.

rm - I have tried a lot of disk space/compression utilities, but none match the power and flexibility of rm. Why with a simple "rm -rf /" one can achieve 100% compression. (warning: Do not try this at home - only trained administrators such as myself should attempt to harness the incredible power that is "rm -rf /")

glxgears - This is the best game ever, because it plays itself, and I just have to watch - sometimes for hours. As a busy sysadmin I don't get time to actually play games, so this is the next best thing.

Mozilla Firefox - With Firefox you can add functionality with so-called "extensions". Install enough extensions in this browser and you can guarantee memory leaks, high cpu usage, and random browser crashes. This is excellent if you get paid per callout, or are just bored. Install Firefox and ten or twenty extensions on every user's computer, and watch the dollars roll in. You might even be able to increase the size of your department.

Bash - I was going to put bash here, since sometimes that is the best way to deal with a certain class of user, however when I typed "bash Fred" the response was "No such file or directory", which is damn stupid if you ask me. Firstly, I know where Fred lives, so don't need to look him up in the telephone directory. Secondly what's with the "file" business? If I'm going to bash somebody it will be with a large hammer of some kind, or a club. I would have no intention of giving them a manicure.

Norton Antivirus - All computers need a virus scanner, and anybody who tells you otherwise is a nasty haxzour trying to steal all of your sauerkraut. Please refer here for an example of how to deal with such an individual.

/dev/null - Ok, so this is not a piece of software, but a device, however /dev/null definitely deserves a place here because it provides a source of unlimited storage. For example typing "mv ~ /dev/null" will free up a whole lot of space on your home partition. And the good thing is you can just keep putting stuff in /dev/null and it will never fill up. (warning: Do not try this at home - only trained administrators such as myself should attempt to harness the incredible power that is /dev/null)

The Gimp - This is a fantastic image editor. You can use The Gimp to make money. Just don't get caught.

Ted's Famous Spyware CD - This is an excellent resource for spyware, and remember spyware is an extremely vital tool for any administrator needing an excuse to spend money on new hardware. Just stick Ted's CD in the drive, and let autorun take care of the rest. Before you know it you'll have some of the best spyware and adware in the business silently installed on every computer on your network. Watch the system slow to 286 speed. Watch the Pointy Haired Boss authorize massive expenditure to replace the "ancient" systems you bought last year. Watch the PHB protest loudly as he is dragged away by the cops for operating a counterfeit ring. See the sysadmin buy the "old" hardware for next to nothing and make a tidy profit on ebay.

Wipe - To remove evidence of aforementioned activities.

14 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

Ben?

3:32 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moron

6:08 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Lorraine: I don't understand the question.

Anonymous: coward.

6:32 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

Um I don't like understand a thing about your post?? *twirling hair & chomping on gum LOUDLY*

8:51 pm  
Anonymous keith said...

I'm new to LINUX but I still understood and it made me laugh. Someday I hope to know half as much as Henry about LINUX.

I spent 2 days reading all your other stuff from the beginning! You are now Bookmarked in my firefox with no extensions.

10:01 pm  
Anonymous mu-tiger said...

Great shares, and you made me laugh...as always! Thank you!

<3 Henry!

xoxo

mu-tiger

1:02 am  
Blogger Ben said...

isis:
lol I like you because you're funny. Also, please don't tell, but Henry really is a moron.

Keith:
Welcome. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Please be wary of following Henry's advice however - he may not know nearly as much as he believes. :)

mu-tiger:
If I wasn't so manly and stuff I'd be blushing from all the praise.

6:46 am  
Anonymous Miss Ann Thrope said...

Not only does Linux come with great file compression tools like rm and mv, since Linux is just as susceptible to viruses as Windows, it also comes with a great virus program called killall.

For instance, I find that Linux always gets infected by the init virus.

However, due to the power of Linux and the killall virus removal tool, all you have to type is 'killall init' as a super user, or in your case, a Superhero.

Like Windows, this requires an immediate reboot.

I'm surprised at you. What kind of Sysadmin are you anyway?

1:01 pm  
Blogger Mojotek said...

I've used GIMP... actually quite an interesting and useful graphic application.

4:16 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Miss Ann:
"What kind of sysadmin are you anyway?" A very poor one. I had better start trying to make money from this crap.

btw ps -Ao comm= | killall might also kill any nasties though to be sure please run it as root.

Mojotek:
Yes I understand The Gimp is quite powerful. However since graphics is just one of the many things I suck at I am not really speaking from personal experience, unless pasting porn pics together to make wallpaper counts.

5:41 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Ben?

6:09 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

I still don't understand that question.

6:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Job, you almost made a funny joke somewhere inbetween your head and your ass.

cat /dev/gun |grep head

6:52 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Well what I usually do is somewhere along the lines of
mount -t auto /dev/mouth /mnt/mouth
killall braincells
mv /dev/foot /mnt/mouth/


Fortunately I now have Henry to speak for me, which works out much better.

7:44 pm  

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