Henry's Computer Toolkit
Since becoming a computer guru I have been receiving quite a lot of requests for advice, mostly from those who aspire to one day become as I. Therefore, in the interest of the whole community I present the first in a series of articles offering solid and practical computer advice.
"Henry," people ask, "Please tell me which tools I should take on a job." People are always very polite with me, possibly because of the flamethrower. So, without further beating around the bushedness, here is the contents of my toolkit:
- Screwdriver - A phillips head, or "star", screwdrive is most useful. For other types of screws see (2) below.
- Angle Grinder - for those hard to open cases. Explosives work almost as well, but are more likely to destroy the entire system, so I guess this one comes down to personal preference.
- Torch - for setting things on fire.
- Computer screws - Some lusers will remove their shoes in an attempt to approach silently, and take you by surprise. Spread a few of these little buggers about the place and you will always be able to hear their approach because of the painful groans and curses.
- Cable Ties - Under no circumstances should these be used to sustain an erection. Trust me, I'm a superhero.
- Soldering Iron - This item is extremely useful for performance tweaking. For example, if the computer you are working on appears to be running slowly you can solder some short cuts onto the motherboard. Remember if the electricity doesn't have to travel as far then it will get there sooner.
- Axe - the larger the better. In order to work efficiently a stress-free working environment is necessary, and there is nothing that relieves tension quite like a bout of mindless violence and/or destruction.
- Chocolate - Ok this probably belongs under essential.
- Knoppix CD - so you can freak Windows users out by making them think you've replaced their entire operating system.
- Debian CD - so you can replace their entire operating system.
- Ubuntu CD - because they're free.
- Sony music CD - so you can install rootkits and other nasties on their computer. (see here.)
- The Internet - Burn the internet onto a cd. This will save you having to download drivers and stuff, and you can also reinstall all of their porn from its original source.
- Windex (or similar) - As I'm sure you're aware Microsoft Windows (tm, c, r, stfu) needs to be cleaned up regularly, so it is a pretty good idea to carry some window cleaner in the field. You may also be able to solve certain problems by pouring a bottle of the stuff down the user's throat.