Thursday, December 22, 2005

Henry's Computer Toolkit

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Since becoming a computer guru I have been receiving quite a lot of requests for advice, mostly from those who aspire to one day become as I. Therefore, in the interest of the whole community I present the first in a series of articles offering solid and practical computer advice.

"Henry," people ask, "Please tell me which tools I should take on a job." People are always very polite with me, possibly because of the flamethrower. So, without further beating around the bushedness, here is the contents of my toolkit:

Essential Tools.
  1. Screwdriver - A phillips head, or "star", screwdrive is most useful. For other types of screws see (2) below.
  2. Angle Grinder - for those hard to open cases. Explosives work almost as well, but are more likely to destroy the entire system, so I guess this one comes down to personal preference.
  3. Torch - for setting things on fire.
  4. Computer screws - Some lusers will remove their shoes in an attempt to approach silently, and take you by surprise. Spread a few of these little buggers about the place and you will always be able to hear their approach because of the painful groans and curses.
  5. Cable Ties - Under no circumstances should these be used to sustain an erection. Trust me, I'm a superhero.
  6. Soldering Iron - This item is extremely useful for performance tweaking. For example, if the computer you are working on appears to be running slowly you can solder some short cuts onto the motherboard. Remember if the electricity doesn't have to travel as far then it will get there sooner.
  7. Axe - the larger the better. In order to work efficiently a stress-free working environment is necessary, and there is nothing that relieves tension quite like a bout of mindless violence and/or destruction.

Also Handy.
  1. Chocolate - Ok this probably belongs under essential.
  2. Knoppix CD - so you can freak Windows users out by making them think you've replaced their entire operating system.
  3. Debian CD - so you can replace their entire operating system.
  4. Ubuntu CD - because they're free.
  5. Sony music CD - so you can install rootkits and other nasties on their computer. (see here.)
  6. The Internet - Burn the internet onto a cd. This will save you having to download drivers and stuff, and you can also reinstall all of their porn from its original source.
  7. Windex (or similar) - As I'm sure you're aware Microsoft Windows (tm, c, r, stfu) needs to be cleaned up regularly, so it is a pretty good idea to carry some window cleaner in the field. You may also be able to solve certain problems by pouring a bottle of the stuff down the user's throat.


Blogger Lorraine said...

I said...
You're lying like a toilet seat again...

11:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man, you forgot the duct tape and baling wire! No tool box is complete without those!!! :D


12:24 am  
Anonymous Miss Ann Thrope said...

WTF? srlinuxx is totally correct. What super hero worth his salt would leave out the duct tape?

Mr. Cranky F. Pants has an entire computer made out of duct tape....well, some packing tape too because he's not a super hero and allowed the duct tape to run out.

But really. No duct tape? I'm thoroughly disappointed in Henry.

Oh and not that I've had any experience with this (I just read a lot) #5 on the Essential Tools list? I hear they have specific devices for just such an occasion.

3:23 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Lorraine: not again, still.

srlinuxx: Oh bugger, knew I'd forgotten something. I had considered putting in a personal thermonuclear device like in MDK, but forgot all about the duct tape. My foolishness knows no boundaries, not even electrified ones.

Miss Ann: Mr Pants is clearly of a much higher level of computer grokkingness than either Henry or myself. I bow down to his superior intellectualizement.

re #5 Now you tell me.

6:45 am  
Blogger annie said...

Hah! That's funny!
You forgot a fire extinguisher.
My husband once had the connector backwards to the motherboard and blew it up; we heard a "ping!" and a teeny-tiny mushroom cloud poofed out the back panel. It was hilarious, and the company (that swore that couldn't happen) sent us a new one and re-wrote the manual.

1:20 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Duct tape, baling wire, fire extinguisher. I can see this post might need some revising.

Although I must say, Henry's specialty is more in the area of starting fires than putting them out.

Somebody I once knew, not naming any names or anything, used to like keeping a pot-plant on the TV. We got a lovely puff of smoke and a "pop" when she watered it one day.

I like your story better.

1:36 pm  
Anonymous Basia said...

But, what about hammer? It works without electricity and is not forbidden in public transport as big ax for example

9:56 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Yes a hammer might make more sense, however Henry prefers axes, and superheros don't generally use public transport.

10:13 pm  

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