Friday, December 23, 2005

Henry's Computer Buying Guide

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

This is the second in my series of articles aimed at those who wish to become a computer guru like me. Today I will guide you step by step through the process of purchasing a computer.

First, some ground rules, which I will be calling "The Three Laws of Henry" until I think of a better name.
  1. Henry is always right.
  2. The customer is always right, except where it conflicts with rule one.
  3. A robot must protect itself except where doing so conflicts with rules one or two.
Ok, so the third rule I stole from some writer guy, but at least I changed the wording a bit.

Step One - Going to the shop
I recommend some form of transportation device, unless you live right next door to the shop. Even then it might be a good idea to take the car in case you don't have enough cash (more on that later).

Steer clear of those nasty online stores, because the web is a dangerous place full of giant spiders and lunatic crackers who will steal your credit card number and your favourite teddy. I miss my teddy.

Step Two - Choosing a Computer
The best way to choose a computer is some form of random selection process. This is because of the following rules which I have cleverly named "Some More Laws of Henry".
  1. All computers are crap.
  2. All salespersons lie.
  3. All cats are grey after midnight.
However, and this is the tricky bit, most of the time the salesdroid will try to sell you a computer with Microsoft Windows on it. This is because of rule two above, and also because they are grovelling minions of the evil empire, hell bent on enslaving the population via their nefarious schemes and plottings and viruses and worms and spyware and region coding.

many people think that region coding is just a way of restricting where DVDs can be played. But the truth is much more sinister and bizarre, and will be discussed in my upcoming article "The Evils of Region Coding".

But, anyway, the important thing is that you must not give in to the criminally insane salesdude. Those Windows computers may be all shiny and enticing, but they will suck the soul from your brain, or kidney, or whever it usually lives, and send it screaming to the deepest of hells. Instead you must beat the salesperson about the head a few times with whichever laptop is closest while at the same time chanting "Linux, Linux, Linux, Linux".

After you have done this for about ten minutes [s]he will get the message and bring forth the only linux computer in the place. You should randomly select that one.

Step Three - Buying the Computer
Point at the computer you have selected, then announce loudly and proudly, "I will buy that computer, and I will pay whatever you want for it."

Step Four - Paying for the Computer
This is the easy part. Reach for wallet/purse, extract cash/credit card/cheque book, pay the evil salesdroid.

Now don't get me wrong, it can get a little complicated. Perhaps you have no money, or would very much like to keep the money you do have. Perhaps you are a mindless imbercile who is incapable of operating a wallet. I don't know. Whatever. The point is that there may be some reason you are unable or unwilling to pay actual money for your new computer. The temptation may be great, but under no circumstances offer sexual favours in return for the computer - not even if you really want to. Instead follow these steps precisely.
  1. Explain that you will return soon with cash.
  2. Wait in car until the store has closed for the night, or possibly until the lights change, depending on your attention span.
  3. Reverse car at extreme acceleration into the store front.
  4. Collect your new computer.
  5. Remove car from store.
  6. Using your embedded flamethrower burn the store to the ground, because that is fun.
Step Five - The End
So, there you have it - your very own brand new personal computer.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm more a fan of just tossing in a flaming molotov cocktail or two in order to blast the place to shit and take what i want. but your ideas work just as well...

hey!? when am I getting screwed? literally. ba-dum-bump-CHA!

4:29 pm  
Blogger isis said...

Hey hey hey...! What did I say about this nonsense about computers??

But you're still a cool dude.

Merry christmas! (or whatever ya celebrate;))

5:18 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Ms bees knees: Christmas day :)

Isis: Sorry, just couldn't help myself. Will try to get back to the mindless violence sometime soon. And merry christmas to you too. Not that I'm really into that.

5:23 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

LOL...makes me want to go out and buy/steal/offer favours/to get the computer du jour :)
A very merry Christmas Ben or to paraphrase Isis...whatever ya celebrate :)
Thanks for these incredibly fun AND gratis posts.
Hope to see more in 2006 if Henry doesn't blow himself up...

5:31 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Yes merry christmas to you too.

That always feels weird to me, since I don't really believe in those pagan festivals, though I do belive very strongly in lots of presents so I guess that's something.

Anyway, have a good one of whatever it is you're having.

5:42 pm  
Blogger isis said...

Yeah me neither...I'm thinking about branching out and trying to celebrate Yule this year. Problem is- I know absolutely nothing about it & I'm not a Pagan.

Any suggestions?

5:50 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

...well I'd like what ms bees knees is getting, but I'll settle for lotsa and lotsa of presents, some bubbly and listening to Chris Rea's I'm driving home for X-mas :)

5:51 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Isis: yule have to work it out for yourself.

Lorraine: Chris Rea, right. I haven't listened to him for a decade or so. Enjoyed his stuff for a while but the sameness started to piss me off.

6:07 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

It's 3h41 am my time and as I read your answer Ben, Chris Rea's I'm driving home for X-mas just started :) Coincidence, I think NOT
I don't know about the sameness of his previous, but this one is a gem :)

6:43 pm  
Blogger Avaloux said...

First of all, congratulations for a funny blog, I look at it very often to check out how Henry is doing.
Your ideas could well be done in comics, like style dilbert, so funny.
Has Henry, besides having tried out Ubuntu, tried Trustix Linux, I am boiling my brain about it right now, the version 2.2 its easy to install and get lost in all these bash; born again shell stuff only way out is the command halt it works well as just taking a axe and bash the computer in..... he he
Trustix dude?
happy xmas

7:00 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Lorraine: wow freaky

Avalonux: Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Henry has not tried trustix. Perhaps he needs to take a look, though I have a feeling it might be beyond him.

8:40 pm  

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