Sunday, December 25, 2005

Henry's Christmas

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

The streets are strangely quiet. Shops are closed. I wonder if some weird evilness has robbed the world of people. It is as though a strange comet has appeared in the sky, and all who witnessed it have spontaneously disappeared from the face of the Earth. There is some evidence to support this idea. For example I have seen no comet, and have not disappeared. Also there was that 80s documentary.

Or perhaps it is just christmas day, but I do not want to be jumping to any conclusions.

Regardless of whether the people have all spontaneously turned to dust, or been abducted by aliens, or whether they are just all home celebrating some pagan festival, I am still Henry the Adequate, superhero, and I must still protect the innocent and save goodness from the insidious encroachment of badness. So I move on, wandering the lonely streets, searching for clues and possibly some monster to bravely battle.

But what was that sound? There it is again - sort of a loud banging crashing sound that only just manages to make itself heard. I think there may be somebody moving amongst the rubbish bins a little further down the street and throwing them about like large green plastic objects. Either that or the bins have developed a life of their own and are plotting to arise as masters of the Earth now that all the people have vanished.

"Bugger!" says a voice, possibly humanoid or possibly binoid, but definitely female, "Bugger bugger bugger."

"Hello." I approach cautiously, prepared to put my life on the line once again for the sake of all mankind, or binkind.

"What!" From the rubbish appears a woman, somehow vaguely familiar, and somehow rather frightening, while at the same time attractive and somehow quite desirable, particularly the knees.

"Fear not, for I am Henry the..."

"Henry you fucking idiot. I know who you are."

"Ah, the evil Bees Knees! Do not think that you can escape my super-powered self yet again, Ms Knees, for I am..."

"Fuck Henry, don't come round me with your super-bloody-hero talk or I'll nail your head to the fucking barbeque and roast your chestnuts, see if I don't. And if I get any more fucking carob bars for christmas I'll be making this whole fucking city pay. People are such imberciles, especially you, and anyway what the hell is all this christmas fucking cheer except mindless drones parrroting endless platitudes which are somehow supposed to make up for them being complete arseholes the rest of the year."

She pauses for breath, which gives me an excellent chance to say something really clever and intelligent. "Um..."

"And don't get me started about John fucking Lennon. I gave peace a chance, and now I am going to give extreme violence a chance, and I know that for sure, and anyway who the fuck do you think you are coming round here and trying to tell me what to do and shit, and anyway, Henry, let's fuck."

"Um, ok then." I am afraid to say no.


Anonymous MsShad said...

Here we go - now it's getting GOOD! But at Christmas time? Aren't we spose to be thinking of more ummm pure pursuits of thought?

2:55 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Darn that Ms Bees Knees she did get screwed at X-mas after all :)
I'd like to see how she'll retaliate the little vixen!!!! Great post Ben, and how wonderfully cheery :)
Merry Christmas
...but I thought Henry the Adequate had to remain, hum, pure

3:51 am  
Blogger Ms Bees Knees said...

Everyone should know by now… there is no purity to be had when Ms Bees Knees, and her bag of tricks, whips, lubes and probes, finds her way into your heart and your trousers! MEEEE-OOOW!!! And Merry Christmas to All and to All an “Arousing” Good Night!

8:22 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Henry is just another victim of the evil Bees Knees and her insidious, but quite pleasurable, schemes.

5:12 pm  

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