Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Henry and Infinite Chaos

In the endless instant between realities I wonder what bizarre world I will experience on the other side. If the dimension I am about to enter represents the end goal of the Robotic League of Chaos and their awful minions, then it must surely be an insane barrage of randomness beyond even my own twisted dreams.

I exit into a formless grey mass of un-solid, un-gaseous, non-liquid that stretches beyond infinity, leaving only myself and the trans-dimensional portal to break the monotony. I am drifting slowly away from the portal.

In what may appear to the untrained eye to be a panic, I twist and struggle and strain and twist and repeat myself in a vain attempt to arrest, and if possible reverse, my trajectory. This has no beneficial effect, and may in fact be hastening my departure.

I call out for help, but this serves only to strike a deeper note of fear into my soul as my huge booming voice falls into infinity as though it is the merest whisper, leaving silence so immediate as to deny the possibility of an echo. But I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, and I will not succumb to this terror. I will rise above and beyond the despair that tears at my brain, though every atom of my being cries out for relief from the eternal greyness!

I curl up in a ball and cry like a baby.

"Hello?" A male voice filled with wonder and disbelief responds to my clever attempt at gaining attention. Lucky I am such a fine actor. "Is somebody there?"

"It is I, Henry the Adequate, superhero!" I feel much better knowing that there is somebody here to save me - I mean somebody for me to save. "Where are you?"

"Is there still such a thing as location? Wait...." He pauses for what seems like an eternity, so that I begin to wonder if there had ever been a voice. That voice had seemed vaguely familiar. I am uncertain why. "Ah, I think I am aware of your form and beingness now. How could a mindless imbercile such as yourself have come to be here?"

"Old man, is that you?"

"Do I know you, Henry the Adequate, twit?"

"You do not know me, but I know you," I respond cryptically, so as not to give away all that I have discovered to the stranger.

"Oh, I see. You came through a portal from the DRI which sits at the nexus of all universes. No doubt you met another me there."

Um... It is most wise of me to share my knowledge freely. "In that reality you were blind."

"Oh no, I was never blind - just enjoyed touching things. Now there is nothing to touch, or see." There is a tremendous sadness in his ancient voice.

"Where is everybody else?"

"I am alone. My body was the last object in this universe to fade into chaos."

"This is chaos?"

"Infinite chaos reduces to infinite uniformity. This is the first law of the multiverse. Do they not have Chaos Theory on your world?"

"How is it that you survived without your body?" I am immediately suspicious. Does he think he can pull the wool over my eyes so easily? Ha! Henry the Adequate is nobody's fool.

"Perhaps I did not. Perhaps you are still curled up in a ball crying while your mind slowly evaporates into insanity."

"That was an act. I was never really crying."

He does not respond. The oppressive silence presses in on me once more like a big heavy sort of thing on my chest. I curl up into a ball and...

"Nah, just screwing with your mind," he laughs as though something slightly funny has occurred, "and a most unsatisfying experience it was too. Whoever says size doesn't matter has not met Henry the Adequate."

He is right of course. People are such fools.

"How can I return to the portal?"

"Well Newton's third law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction..."

Of course. I fire my flamethrower, pointing it directly away from my objective. The mighty beast roars furiously as it disgourges massive quantities of flaming fuel.

"... but Newton's laws have become unreliable of late, so that almost certainly will not work."

Strangely enough this fails to work. I suspect that the laws of physics have been somehow altered in this place.

"The only thing we can rely on here are the laws of chaos." He falls silent for a moment, as I watch the empty black square of nothingness drift slowly away. "The Law of Attraction states than a mass of pure chaos will be attracted to orderly objects so as to thereby absorb them. If you can become pure chaos..."

"Become chaos?" He must be insane. My enormous brain churns at the thought of such an undertaking. I am the opposite of chaos. I am the champion of good and order and law, and pizza. How can I become all that I have fought against lo these many days? I cannot. I will not. I will fight this with every morsel of tasty braininess at my disposal, while simultaneously calculating the probability of a further attempt with my flamethrower being successful and also searching for a true and workable solution to this insane dilemma. I draw on all of the immense logical abilities of my super intellect as well as my not-inconsequential creativity, and at the same time cast about for some form of divine intervention...

"Yes that's the way."

Somehow I am hurled forcefully through the trans-dimensional portal.


Blogger Lorraine said...

Insane barrage of randomness...sounds like my brain this morning :)
Oh Henry, you do start up my day !

5:41 pm  
Blogger Ben said...


8:11 pm  

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