Monday, December 05, 2005

Henry and the Fourth Sally

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

On the move again, I am only a few blocks from my objective when I come upon a chaos point that appears to be abandoned. It is labelled "Chaos Point 412 - Complete". Does this mean that the Robot League have achieved their objective here?

"They steal from other dimensions," the old man had explained. "They murder, steal, cause mayhem, destruction, sedition, civil wars, and the invention of the atomic bomb, fractional reserve banking, and 'reality television'. Their true purpose in all of this is the spreading of chaos throughout the multiverse under the tenets of Chaos Theory."

"Chaos theory? Deterministic systems exhibiting the characteristics of randomness?"

"No, no. Chaos therory." And then he started quoting some unfamiliar science. "Chaos is good. Chaos rules! All things come to he who causes the most significant quantum ruptures in the space time vortex. Hail Chaos." This is clearly not the same chaos theory that I learned in preschool.

I melt the lock with my electropsychic powers, slide the door open, and creep inside, the only sound that of me dictating these notes. To the control room, and I examine the dials, switches, and computer terminals.

After half an hour of careful and exhaustive study during which my enormous brain analyses all of the billions of possible combinations and permutations of the problem before me to come up with the optimum solution... After all of this I reach out carefully and press the large green button labelled "Start".

Lights blaze, terminals hum, outside the control room the floor becomes a teeming black mass of nothingness.

I weld the door to the outside world closed and turn to face the unknown. I prepare to sally forth by offering a prayer to the great spagetti monster, and by using my super-flexibility to kiss my own arse goodbye. I am uncertain of why this is supposed to be helpful.

Resolute in my resolve I study the swirling emptiness where, thanks to my tremendous powers of deduction, and possibly the words of the wise man, I am certain a world other than my own awaits. Then bravely, and with grim determination grimmer than the grimmest determination possible to a mere mortal such as yourself, I step into the void.


Blogger JoeC said...

yo dude, you forgot your torch.... you should consider having a bathroom break before the journey, cuz you'll never know.....


4:24 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Yeah, didn't think of that.

7:17 pm  

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