Sunday, November 20, 2005

The Henry FAQ

Who is Henry?
Henry is this superhero guy.

Where do you get all your fantastic ideas from?
Mostly I steal them from others.

You stole my ideas. I need to send the process server. What is your address?
Um...

Why do you persist with this blasphemy when you know that the lord God almighty will surely strike you down for it?
I am going to stand next to you because I believe that your thick head will make a better conductor than mine. I expect that the thunderbolt will therefore strike you instead, and that, strangely enough, God will shrug in resigntion, mumble "Oh well, I tried." then wander off to play a game of chess with Odin, or Freya.

What DOES Henry look like?
Henry looks like a superhero.

Do you like comic books?
Well I don't take long intimate showers with them, but they're ok, I guess.

Do you believe in jebuz?
No I believe in a network of wormholes connecting different worlds via a device known as a "stargate". Next week I plan to believe in a huge space station called "Babylon 5". After that I'm not sure.

What types of special powers does our super-hero have?
Henry has many important superpowers, including the ability to extract google adsense clicks out of unsuspecting visitors with his magical hypnotic abilities. [click on the ad. click on the ad. You are feeling sleepy. click on the ad.]

Can I send you my underwear?
No. Send cash instead, then I can buy some of my own. I have always wanted underwear.

Why are you doing this?
Aliens have taken my family and will not release them unless I spread their insidious propaganda.

Seriously, why are you doing this?
I heard about "blogging" and wanted to try it out. Tried a serious topic at first, but that just didn't suit. So I invented Henry. It amuses me to write about Henry. When it ceases to amuse me I will drop Henry like an enormous turd, then sigh with the relief of somebody who has just dropped an enormous turd, wipe myself off, and find something else to do, never to be heard from again.

When Henry is home relaxing what does he do?
When he is at home he relaxes in front of a roaring fire and reads a book about chimpanzees. The same book. Every night. Henry is a slow reader.

Does he like Canadians?
Yes, Canadians make good firewood.

Can I get Henry's autograph?
Sure. You can make one yourself. Take a pen and draw a large X. Henry cannot hold a pen properly, due to an unfortunate flamethrower accident, and because he was raised by monkeys, and because he is a fictional character.

I left a comment. Why did you not reply?
There are literally millions of comments on this weblog every single day. Most of them are threatening violence, or abusive, or begging me to stop writing this, and therefore have to be deleted, which is very time consuming. Because of all my seconds being gobbled up by the giant and terrifying time-monster I am unable to answer all comments. One day I will hire a team of luscious fembots to answer the comments for me.

update (2006/02/11): I will no longer reply to anonymous comments. Well, mostly I won't.

Why did you delete my comment?
I don't like stalkers. You know who you are.

Why "Henry the Adequate"? Surely "Henry the Great", or "Henry the Magnificent" would be better.
Henry's name was given to him by his parents, and he is very sensitive about it too, thank you very much.

I just discovered a major plot inconsistency.
No you didn't. Your brain is broken. You should get it fixed. Also, that wasn't a question.

Is Henry a homosexual?
Well in one story he did own a vase, which is kind of suspicious. Also, his sister is a lesbian and as we all know homosexuality is contageous. But, no, Henry is a manly man who does manly things, and heroically saves damsels in distress.

Ok, if he's not a homosexual how come he's not having sex with any of the damsels?
It is a code of honour thing.

No, seriously, he's gay, right?
Will you cut it out with all the gay stuff. Ask me something else.

Are you gay?
That's it. I'm outa here!

Ok. Ok. Do you think Henry will ever get married?
Henry is a superhero, and does not have time for marriage and stuff. He cannot rest until evil has been destroyed utterly.

So he is gay then.
Oh sod off.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL good one. You owe me a new keyboard.

PS You are gay, right?

6:54 am  
Blogger Andrea said...

Great post, cool site.
Diane
*random noter*

4:10 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Thanks Diane.

4:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was so funny I coughed up blood and lost all my hair, dude! No wait, that's my reaction to the Chemo. Well, anyway, it was still funny. Sorry can't write more, gotta throwing up now.

11:36 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Anonymous:

I don't know how to respond to this, so will do it both ways.

1. You really are going through chemo: Sorry to hear that. I hope Henry helps cheer you up somewhat.

2. This is one of those tastless comments that I am often guilty of: You think you've got ot bad - you should try having a flamethrower embedded in your arm. Man that hurts. Also, think of the children.

12:25 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Gotta stop laughing, I keep on waking my cats!
Come on, it's obvious Henry isn't gay, he loves Canadian wood. Geeshhh...

3:20 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But hang on, if he loves Canadian wood wouldn't that mean he is gay? I am very suspicious of this Henry and his gayitude.

6:57 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Lorraine please ignore Mr Anonymous and his insightful comments. Henry is in fact completely devoid of any gayitude. Or completely riddled with gayitude. One of those choices.

Henry is as straight as a piece of string.

6:58 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:50 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Hey, no problem. I aim to please.

10:17 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK Lorraine and Ben...you two should just do each other and get it over with. Geeze...

1:35 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I take that back. Lorraine likes Niel Diamond and Elton John--it would never work between you two kids...

1:38 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:50 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Yes, also I am fat and smelly with bad teeth and no IQ to speak of. I also bite the heads off puppies and use the body as a paintbrush. I can't paint, of course, being talentless and empty.

7:53 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK...sooooo...you two are getting all testy at me for analysing your personalities from afar and saying it wouldn't work because why, exactly? And why am I jealous? (Besides being jealous of Ben because Henry the Adequate is sheer genius, that is...) Barry White rocks...

4:17 am  
Blogger Ben said...

No testiness, at least not from me. Just my usual misguided, pointless and apparently unsuccessful attempts at levity.

Actually I totally agree with you. I could never be with someone who digs Neil Diamond. Also, I'm married, and use the word "also" too damn much.

I am not a big fan of Barry White.

6:35 am  
Blogger Ben said...

PS Thanks for saying nice things about my work. That never gets old.

I hate that line."That never gets old". It is getting so damn old. I should think of something else to say, but now I have to get ready for work...

6:46 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:11 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

"it creeps me out."

Then my work here is done. :)

9:49 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Last word :)

11:30 pm  
Blogger Christina Writes 1 said...

Not QUITE the last word Lorraine. Yo...BenHen. I stole your FAQ idea for my own blog. The stealer has become the stolen. Just thought I'd let you know. Yup.

10:48 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:18 pm  

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