Thursday, November 10, 2005

Henry at the Supermarket

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I am at the supermarket. There is a line. After a while I notice that the line is not moving. Then I notice that there appear to be several persons at the register waving guns about and suggesting that everybody might like to lie on the ground please.

Fools. I will fry them with my embedded flamethrower... but I cannot user it here, indoors, with all these innocent bystanders about. Also, that thing really really hurts.

I am furiously considering my next move, while being careful not to think too hard lest my brain explode, when I recognize the person ahead of me in the line. "Louise!" What is my evil sister doing here? "So, these are your slave minions!"

"Jeez shut up Henry you moron." She lowers herself to the ground along with all the other customers. Perhaps the villains are not her slaves after all. I notice that I am the only one left standing, and that two of the bandits approach, looking slightly miffed.

"Down!" one of them insists, waving his gun in my face. I notice that there is something strange about them. There is something unnatural about their expressions, their tone of voice, their movements. Can't quite place it. Then I notice that his shotgun has impacted quite heavily the side of my head.

Then I notice that I am lying on the ground and that the bandits are raiding all of the registers. Some are also robbing the customers. No mere mortal should have been able to lay me out like that. I am certain he must be on some kind of super-strength-enhancing drugs or something.

"Drugs, Henry? Are you out of your mind?" Louise is nearby. Apparently she heard me dictating these notes. "They're puppets."

"Ok, yeah, sure they're not working alone." What is Louise getting at?

"Puppets Henry. They are made of wood. Their faces are painted on. They have strings. Look!"

Maybe she has a point of some kind. "Yeah, I was going to say that." Now that I mention it they do look kind of weird, what with the puppet strings that rise above them for a couple of meters, then disappear into a large portal-like object above their heads - as though the puppets are being controlled via some weird trans-dimensional means. Also their "guns" are more club-like than anything else.

I leap heroically to my feet. This looks like a job for Henry the Adequate, superhero. Valiantly I charge the closest puppet-bandit and swing with all the power of my cyber-enhanced muscles. It is like punching a tree, except that when I do that the tree falls down. My fist is in all kinds of pain at this moment.

The humanoid techno-gadget sneers at me. Well, no it doesn't, on account of being made of wood and not capable of facial expressions. However it's fixed, emotionless, crudely painted features suddenly look as though they really want to be sneering. It attacks.

I dodge and weave, using all of my superior reflexes, avoiding fists, feet, and clubs with ease due to my incredible super speed and power. Nobody can touch me. I am invincible!

A lucky blow and I am hurled accross the room like something that is very easy to hurl accross a room, slamming head first into the far wall. Ok, maybe I am slightly vincible. In fact I may have just been vinced, for the moment at least.

"I will destroy you all, wooden puppet fiends!" I leap to my feet. Ok, so I lie in a crumpled heap and think about leaping to my feet. I scowl menacingly at them as the mechanoidal bandits soon leave unopposed with cash and valuables.

Soon there are paramedics in their nice white shirts.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scoble in my classroom
ROBERT SCOBLE was caught looking down on me during a lecture in Tipperary Institute .
Find out how to buy and sell anything, like things related to quality assurance highway construction on interest free credit and pay back whenever you want! Exchange FREE ads on any topic, like quality assurance highway construction!

1:56 pm  
Blogger Ms Bees Knees said...

very nice work ben, really. keep it going. i'll be back to see what HTA does from here!

2:24 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

re: Scoble in my classroom

Damn that evil ROBERT SCOBLE. You are a hero for rising above that severe looking-down-on and out of sympathy I will gladly buy some quality assurance highway contruction from you.

Thanks again, and BTW, go fuck yourself.

2:48 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

ms bees knees:

Thanks for the kind words.

You'll no doubt be pleased to know that whatever happens next on Henry will be as much as surprise to me as it is to you.

3:16 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

Oh yes, I'm with Ms Bees! I'll be back for more!

p.s. you might want to put up vord verification, it gets rid of the spam (that is unless you are enjoying your spam commentors) :)

4:11 pm  
Blogger Ben said...


Thanks. I'd better dream up some more stories then.

Used to have word verification turned on, but always found it a bit of a pain to use.

Then along came comment moderation, which is much better. Takes only a moment to delete any unwanted spam, then publish the rest, and it's easier for visitors to leave comments.

I don't let all comment spam through - just the stuff that I want to respond to. That's fun.
I now love comment spam. :)

4:52 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

Wanted to let you know that you are on my official "Cool People Who Blog" link list.

And you said you're not feeling the love! Awww-;)

6:06 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

You love comment spam? Oh, how sad. But on the other hand, could be funny, but unfortunately spam commenters or most likely not going to respoond to you when you tell them to go fuck there mother!;)

6:07 pm  
Blogger Ben said...


Well I'm flattered. I don't have such a list. Perhaps I should. Seems all the best bloggers are doing it.

The great thing about comment spam is you can say whatever the hell you want in response, without actually offending anyone (at least not directly), and maybe provide a small amount of amusement for other readers because, let's face it, who doesn't want to nail a spammer's nuts to the floor?

6:46 pm  
Blogger corpus said...

Obviously not you;)

7:06 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Spammers deserve no mercy. You read it here first.

7:40 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:51 am  

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