Sunday, November 27, 2005

Henry and The Bees Knees

It is morning. I am on my way to meet June and Louise at June's place, when I notice a lot of screaming and upsetedness coming from a small music outlet, almost drowning out the masterful sounds of Phil Collins performing "Against All Odds". Immediately I leap into action. Almost immediately. Ok, I finish eating my hotdog first, but that doesn't take long and an army marches on it's stomach, you know.

So I resolutely march into the shop and sum up the situation in an instant, or two, or a minute. A savage looking lass with jet hair and an expression that is intense and disturbing and non-crap-taking is in the process of wreaking havoc in a violent yet strangely attractive manner. A couple of what can only be described as goons stand behind her, arms crossed, looking for all the world like a couple of goons.

I am shocked at what she has done to the Phil Collins albums. Oh and also there are a couple of dead people. "Stop!" I call in my boomingest hero voice, "Put down the ball-peen hammer!"

"What," she rounds on me, the fury in her voice matched only by the soiling in my underwear, "This is not a ball-peen hammer, you moron. This is a Death Stick TI7C!" It is very impressive how she manager to maintain her intensity while spelling out a hyperlink in html. ("less than, a, href equals, quotes, http, colon" etc).

"Halt," I call bravely, "or I will be forced to use forcefulness!"

Her response is to resume smashing Phil Collins albums with reckless abandon. Actually she smashes them with a Death Stick T17C, but let's not go all picking at nits now.

"I'm warning you," I warn. As I advance on her the goons move to intercept. "My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero!"

"Well Henry the Adequate..." She has finished with all of the Phil Collins merchandise, and approaches, making sensual smashing motions with the Death Stick. "I am..." She pauses for effect. "...The Bees Knees! Ta Da!" Well ok I added the "Ta Da" because it seemed like it needed something at the end there, you know. "And this is Goonful Greg, and Tony the Goon."

"Pleased to meet you Henry." Greg extends his hand, and Tony does th same. What is going on here? Presumably they are attempting some clever ploy of some kind.

"Uh... Yeah." We shake. I am not electrocuted, or struck down unexpectedly, or attacked from behind. Strange. "So.... Where was I..... Oh...." Normally I would expect to be deep in combat by now and this is rather disconcerting. I attempt to re-concert myself, take a deep breath, and continue, "So, evil Ms Knees, you and the Goon brothers are attempting to terrorize my town..." Damn this is just not working. That didn't come out right. I seem to have lost the mood.

I close my eyes and go over the events of the last few minutes. There it is - the mood. "Ah, ha! Now I have you, evil Bees Knees, and I will end your reign of terror!" I open my eyes, prepared now for the battle that will surely follow, but they are gone.

"Bugger." Well, at least I have foiled their dastardly plan, whatever it was.

8 Comments:

Blogger corpus said...

....that's just....insane!

7:12 am  
Blogger Ben said...

:)
And my normal stuff is just completely sane and rational and non-insane.

Actually since inflammable means flammable, perhaps insane means sane.

7:39 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

randomly stumbling I pointed to my favorites and clicked on em.....without any direction I found myself clicking, just because I've been at a party and might be slightly on the buzzed side, or maybe I'll just say I'm am....lol, im am???? (Ya know your reading to much henry when I add a mental note) mental note--->( add one here)
forgot what it was but when I remember I'll let ya know, ok....anyhoot sooooooooooo ya still with me? on the same page? im starting to think we are in different chapters. It doesnt matter really as long as Im clicking, the stumbling just happens.... Stumblelina!!!!!!
excuse me, getting sidetracked here....I need to finish an argument I have with myself

7:26 pm  
Blogger Ms Bees Knees said...

And I won’t be stopped until every last Phil mutherfuckin’ Collins album is destroyed MUAHAHAHA!… btw Ben, that was brill-fucking-iant!!! You *so* get a boobie flash for that! (o)(o)

6:08 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

me again, woke up with a little bit of a hang over, I had a vague vision and it was cleared by the click thing again.
Mental note here-
Do not go online in the frame of mind I was in the future.

my aplogies to you...

Chargersssssssssssss,

grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

6:12 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Ms Bees Knees: Thanks. I've never had a boobie flash before, well at least not one quite so artistic.

The insidious influence of The Bees Knees is spreading thoughout the blogosphere.

Anonymous: Thank you for visiting planet Earth.

6:43 am  
Blogger Lorraine said...

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6:22 pm  
Blogger Lorraine said...

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6:01 pm  

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