Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Henry Gets Laid

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

What was that sound? A huge booming clucking sound. As though a gigantic chicken were stalking me. Ha! Giant chickens - that'll be the day.

Clearly it is a sonic boom, such as from some form of aircraft. Or a UFO - those alien supervillains sure are dangerous. Especially if you are a cow.

I rush home and send an email to The Enterprise Mission so Captain Kirk can get on the case. Those marauding aliens will never know what hit them. I also send an email to Joss Whedon suggesting that maybe he can make a movie about me and my struggle against those sinister aliens. I realize that there will need to be a strong female lead, but I am prepared to compromise my integrity for a few million dollars.

Satisfied that everything is under control I turn the TV on, hoping for some Buffy reruns, or maybe Firefly. But what's this? A giant mutant chicken is terrorizing the city. This sounds like a job for Henry the Adequate. I drop everything and rush to the fray.

"Halt chicken-fiend!" I boom, in my heroically booming voice, "You may not terrorize this city!" Men flee. Female bystanders are swooning in terror. I make a mental note to help them out, and maybe get their phone numbers, once I have despatched this hideous creature - well the more attractive ones at least.

The gigantic chicken monster lurches forward and suddenly I am engulfed. The bird swallows me whole. It is slimy. It stinks very much like the inside of a chicken. I cannot breathe. Fortunately my super powers protect me from the lack of breathingness. I struggle. I try to run, to swim, to slide, to ooze for what seems a very long time. I feel a pressure all around me. In the darkness my arm brushes a solid object of some kind. There is light in that direction. I strike out, and again, and repeatedly, until I feel something give. There is a crack. And another.

Suddenly I am free, and floating in an enormous pool of yellow muck. Gigantic shards of shattered egg shell surround me. Apparently I have been laid. I scan the area with my super radar-vision, but the chicken is nowhere in sight. And neither are any of the attractive swoonees. "Curses!". I swear to bring the evil monster to justice one day. "Damn you, giant chicken!"


Blogger Lorraine said...

Awesome chick flick ...
I want to comment on the title, but I'm too chicken,

7:55 pm  
Blogger Ben said...

Discretion is the better part of running away.

9:37 pm  

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