Monday, October 17, 2005

Henry and his Computer

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I unpack my new computer/fax machine, and turn it on. My keen computer mind spies a problem right away so I call the computer shop guy. "What are you guys doing selling me a computer with no virus scanner! Do you want me to be inflicted?"

"You don't need a virus scanner with that computer sir. It is immune to all known forms of infection."

"What!" He must think I am an imbercile. But I am not. I am a superhero, with a brain of truly stupendous proportions. "Every fool knows that computers cannot survive without a virus scanner. Do you think I am a fool?"


"I'm sure I need Norton Antivirus. Are you going to send it to me?"

"Is your computer turned on right now?"

"Well, yes, can't you tell?" This is a slightly puzzling turn of events.

"Ok, then. Notice at the top of your screen it says Applications Places, and System? Click on where it says System."


"Move your finger on the little black square below the keyboard. You should see a little arrow moving on the screen"


"The thing with lots of buttons on it."

"Oh yeah, ok. The little arrow moves." I'm really getting the hang of this now. I am so much cleverer than the average person. No wonder villains tremble at my name.

"Now make the little arrow - that's called a pointer by the way - move it up to where it says System, and push the little button below your finger. The one on the left. That's called Left-Clicking, or just Clicking. Tell me what happened when you did that."

"Wow!" This is really getting exciting now. "This thing sorta slid down and it has writing on it"

"Great, now look at the writing. See where it says About Microsoft Windows?"

"No it doesn't say that!" I am shocked. "My god, it says About Ubuntu! What the hell is an Ubumtu? Does that mean I have a virus already?"

"No, no, that means you don't have a virus, and you're not going to get one. See you don't have the special virus enabling program that most people get with their computers."

"Virus enabling program?"

"Yes, Microsoft Windows."

"You're just trying to avoid sending me Norton Antivirus, aren't you." If there's one thing I know, it is that all computers need antivirus software.

"Your computer has Ubuntu Linux. That protects you from all known viruses, and it is one hundred percent effective. And it is way way more advanced that Windows"

"Oh really?" This is suspicious. I have never heard of the Ubuntu virus scanner before. "How much did this Ubuntu thing cost me?"

"Nothing. It's free". Ah, ha! Now I know he is lying to me, the lying scoundrel. Free my super buttocks.

"So," I demand, "When are you going to send me Norton Antivirus?" These fools obviously don't know who they are dealing with.

He sighs the sigh of defeat, a familiar sound indeed. "I'll send it right away." Once again Henry has prevailed. The computer shop person never stood a chance against my superior intellect. "I'm sending you a very new, very advanced version of Norton Antivirus. There's no installation necessary, and it will protect every Linux computer in the same room. No need to even take it out of the box, ok?"

"Excellent!" This is more like it. "Now, there's just one more thing. How long do you think it will take for me to download the internet?"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious, and BTW, didn't I once help you with a computer problem?

But then, I've talked to so many people in the same situation.



9:23 am  
Blogger Ben said...

Thanks Tim. And thanks for the computer help. I hadn't realized you could format a hard drive by immersing it in a bucked of brake fluid, then adding a little chlorine. Or was it the other way around?

BTW I didn't give the guy in the computer shop a name. Think I'll use "Tim". Or possibly "Timothy", or "Timikus".

Anyway, thanks again.

9:38 am  
Blogger Ben said...

... or Susan. Susan is a good name for a computer shop guy.

9:40 am  

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