Saturday, February 17, 2007

Henry Deals With This

“Henry you moron,” remarks a sensual, savagely erotic voice filled with confidence and amusement. “It seems you do have some balls after all.”

“Uh….” I attempt to cover up, but for some reason my clothes have turned to rags, and ash. So, instead I stand tall and proud and erect and naked, and respond with renewed energy in my deep booming superheroic voice; “Bees Knees… uh… hi.”

“We have unfinished business, Henry.”

Read about the unfinished business at the home of Henry the Adequate, here.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Freedom?

“You have a flamethrower?!”

“Yes I do.”

“Do you think that might be useful, given the current circumstances?” Mr Enthusiasm manages somehow to sound incredulous, enthusiastic, and confused all at the same time. “You know. Encased in ice. Giant mutant snowman. About to die.”

“Now that you mention it…” The flamethrower embedded in my forearm roars its sweet song, like a rampaging torrent of fire on its way to some kind of really hip party. The ice falls from my body as though it were never there, or as though it is on its way to some kind of really hip party.

It seems the snowman may have noticed us. I deduce this because of my superhuman brain power, and because it seems to be charging headlong for us like an enraged buffalo. Roooooooar says the ten foot tall giant mutant snowman as it lets loose a powerful blast of ice...

Read More.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

A Lucky Break

…And in this moment, as I gaze longingly and fearfully up the full length of her perfectly athletic legs and feel the sweat of her body dripping about my face, I realize firstly that this might not be such a bad way to go after all, and secondly that the salt of her perspiration on my cracked, ice-burned lips really really hurts.

Yes, there is pain. There is humiliation. There is dread fear, but there is also desire, anticipation, passion, and a deeply primal lust beyond anything I have ever experienced. Why, the sensations are so incredibly intense my bones are aching for her, my mouth watering as she lowers her self to me, my ears ringing…

Read More

Monument to Evilness

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero. I have a pair of high powered, miniature rocket launchers strapped at my belt, a flamethrower embedded in my forearm, ultra-xray super-molecular vision, the strength of one of the ancient titans - the big one - and a brain so incredibly brilliant I can think of a metaphor for my brain faster than you can say “My brain is so incredibly brilliant I can… Uh… thingy.” My super powers of breaking free of a large chunk of ice in which I am currently imprisoned are three hundred and fifty second to none.

Which brings me rather neatly to the situation at hand for, you see, I am currently frozen solid in a block of ice, Mr Enthusiasm similarly encased to my right, and the dastardly ms Bees Knees standing above me like a towering monument to immorality and evilness, blowtorch in hand, purposefully melting the ice that covers several strategic areas of my body...

Read more

Monday, February 05, 2007

Henry, In a Bit of a Pickle

Consciousness returns.

I am frozen solid, upside down, the monster’s fist wrapped around my legs. In his other hand is my new ally, Mr Enthusiasm. Mr E seems less that enthusiastic at the moment, almost as though he is about to die or something. Perhaps I should say something inspirational - you know, to boost morale. “Oh, crap,” I remark, helpfully.

“Ugh,” grunts Mr Enthusiasm, like a blubbering semi-superhero who is not nearly as brave as I, as the hideous snowman creature bears us helpless into the night. I am disoriented for some reason. Lost. Perhaps it is the cold, or the being carried, swinging, upside down, like a rag doll, or an umbrella. But no - these things are not sufficient to mess with my unerring powers of knowing where I am. Clearly the devious creature employs some form of alien mind-scrambling device to screw up my otherwise unscrewable powers.

Read More

Henry, Savior, Hero, Fray Dancer

Again, the chill wind of regret blazes about my shoulders, like the breath of an enormous evil snowman…. Actually, I don’t think that was regret at all…

“Look out!” calls a voice, full of urgency and desperation and a surprising degree of enthusiasm. I notice a brightly clad man with a big shiny “E” on his chest. I notice him because of the way he barrels into me, knocking me across the bonnet of a car and into the bushes on the far side.

Read the rest of this post HERE.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Henry Things About Stuff

The tropical summer sun beats down, like a club on the skull of a baby seal. It is a day of contemplation, of lazy, deep, sometimes disturbing thoughts. Memories. The heat a reflection of past passions, draws, drains, flows, an endless river of timeless perspiration...

For further contemplations from the brain of Henry the Adequate, seal clubber, please check out Henry's new home here.

Or, alternatively, click on the Google ad. That would be neat too.

Henry Hunts the Snowman

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero. But I may have already mentioned that. At some juncture. Still, I suppose there is no point taking any chances, since most of my readers are morons. Present company excluded, naturally…

To begin again; my name is Henry the Adequate, superhero, and I am busy questioning some bystanders to what may very well have been a sighting of The Androgynous Snowman, evil mastermind and criminal genius...

Story continues here.

New Beers Steve

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Tonight I patrol the streets in search of the Androgynous Snowman. I think I am getting close, when all about me there erupts a cacophony of howling and cheering and bustling, and singing - some song about “Old Lana Lang” and some kind of sign. Who would have guessed Smallville was so popular in this town.

There are many uproarious cries of “Have a new beer”, which apparently is some sort of new brand or something. Or maybe it was “Happy Nude Beer!” Whichever. I pause to admire those breweries and there amazing advertising slogans, but not for long - there is important superheroing to be done. I head for the end of the block, where I am almost certain I may have nearly seen the evil snowman fiend doing some dastardly stuff, but am suddenly accosted by a strangely unstable man...

Read more.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Wisdom of Henry #104

I met a man on the road. He said, “Will you stop following me!”

I said, “Uh…. ok.”

He said, “What’s your problem anyway?”

I said, “My toe itches.” Which is really deep, when you think about it.


This Wisdom of Henry brought to you by http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com, the new home of Henry the Adequate. You're not supposed to be coming here any more - you know that, right?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

This is Not Real

This is not a blog post, because this is no longer the home of Henry the Adequate. To read more of Henry please go to http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com. Don't come back here. Really.

Oh, also please visit my new tenant.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

The Wisdom of Henry

Thou shalt not read http://henrytheadequate.blogspot.com. Though shalt instead read http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Moving Day

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

Today I moved to a new place. A classy place, with nice polished floorboards, and a great view.

The adventure continues at weblog.henrytheadequate.com

...

Henry and the Loonerizer Hunt

My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

I am hot on the trail of an evil loonerizer ray weilding supervillain, and also searching for some chamomile tea, which has apparently been stolen by a couple of monkeys.

"Halt," I call commandingly to a suspicious looking thug. "Uh... sorry, officer..." I move on, determined to discover the identity of the nefarious fiend that has been terrorizing the area with such a devious and evil device.

"Halt," I call commandingly to a suspicious looking thug. "Uh... sorry." I suspect that the old lady is probably not a thug after all. Most thugs do not use walking frames.

But wait! What is that my superhuman senses have suddenly detected. Yes, it is the distinctive odor of chamomile tea, emanating from the old woman's shopping bag. "Ah, ha! I have you now, you shapeshifting monkey monster, you!"

"..." replies the evil simian creature, as though it is stunned into silence or something. Evil simian creatures can be excellent actors.

"And now I will wreak vengeful justice, right after I help you to cross the street."

"Oh, crap!" It seems the hideous monster has found its voice at last, no doubt due to the fear and trepidation that courses through it's tiny brain at the thought of my fearsome vengeance, "Not you again!" Something that feels exactly like a handbag with a brick in it crashes with great forcefulness into my head, causing only slightly major concussion, because I am a superhero and not easily concusserized.

The suddenly she is gone, as though she is an evil disappearing thing. Or as though I am heavily concussed and barely aware of what is going on around me.

Damn those evil disappearing things.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Wisdom of Henry #96

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. Unless you're gay.

Also, thou shalt not make really obvious jokes that have been done a million times before... Oh, bugger.